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Dimivain Week: Day 4 - Nightmares
Dimitri has nightmares.
Sylvain kind of knew that from the beginning, of course. In a lot of ways, it was just going to be a given that he knew. For starters, their rooms are right next to one another. On more than one occasion, Dimitri has reminded him of this fact by getting aggravated at him because he's been able to, you know, hear maybe a snippet or two of the sort of things he's gotten up to with company.
That's something that goes both ways, however. In that same vein, he's been able to spend more than a few nights of his own just laying in bed, or flipping through books, when he's heard the sound of a door opening near to his own. Heard that attempts at quiet as Dimitri had snuck out, feet occasionally bare and slapping against stone. Those are the mundane nights. Some nights are worse. Some nights Sylvain can hear Dimitri talking to himself, sobs, cries muffled into a pillow.
None of it is really a surprise. What other reaction could a person really expect, from someone who had lived through what Dimitri had? Watching his family be slaughtered like pigs, seeing a dear friend die for his sake, the murder of so many innocent knights and servants...
And then no one had ever bothered to even pretend listening to him when he'd tried to talk about the culprits.
A kick to the gut, when he was already downed on the floor to start with.
Sylvain hates that he couldn't do more, when he was younger. Hates that he couldn't be there for Dimitri, although he supposes he wouldn't have fared any better than King Lambert or Glenn. Probably he'd have ended up just another nightmare, dogging at Dimitri's heels, and he'd rather die a thousand deaths than do that. It's just, he can't really do much else, either.
He's had nightmares tonight, too. Woke Sylvain up, honestly. It wasn't anything serious this time, so that's nice, at least. Just a few jerks and shudders that had knocked Sylvain out of it, muffled noises behind clenched teeth that had gotten him worried almost immediately.
Yet, just like back then, what could he really do? Nothing. So he'd just closed his eyes, listened carefully to the man besides him, and waited until his breathing had jerked, quickened, and then become something a little more awake. It's like Sylvain had told Dimitri a while ago - he's used to people slipping out of his bed in a lot of subtle ways. He's gotten more than a little knowledge on what it sounds like when someone is actually asleep, and when they're wide awake. Inevitably, Dimitri had jolted wide awake.
In turn, Sylvain knows he's pretty good at faking sleep as well. For a lot of those girls, it was better to do just that, to let them slip out of his bed and his room without another word or any fake sweet words. They'd both gotten what they'd wanted in that kind of scenario.
Probably, he could have faked sleep then, too, with Dimitri there wide awake and probably staring at a ceiling he couldn't really see.
...He couldn't have. How could he have? Who would have left Dimitri there alone in the dark, staring at nothing, haunted by the kinds of nightmares that Sylvain can't even imagine? All he had to deal with was a single brother. That was nothing, was it?
At least Dimitri sleeps soundly now. Doesn't seem like the kind of guy who can fake the various little details that go into it so well, and Sylvain is listening pretty closely. It takes a while - half an hour, maybe? A little more? - before he feels confident enough in shifting upwards to squint through the gloom. The moonlight hasn't really been doing them any favors for these late night talks, honestly, but it finally seems to be willing to give him a break. Silver light filters through the window, lets him see the smoothed out expression that lays across Dimitri's face. No nightmares. Not yet.
The things he would do if he could help ensure that Dimitri never had a bad dream ever again... Carefully, through far too much experience, Sylvain pushes himself up so that he can see Dimitri's face a little better. He looks a lot better like this, honestly.
And not just in the surface level handsome kind of way, although Dimitri is plenty of that, too. While he may have said it as a part of the bet, Sylvain was also telling the truth when he said that Dimitri was handsome, with beautiful eyes. Yet a part of him is at his most lovely when he's asleep like this. With no nightmares to haunt him, neither is Dimitri haunted by the burden that has been left to rest on his shoulders - has been there since before he could even be called a teenager. The burden of being crown prince, the burden of someone who saw the truth and wasn't believe, the burden of someone who was left standing alone in the blood and gore of everyone he had held dear...
There's no stern furrow to his brow, in peaceful sleep. His mouth isn't in a quiet line that says nothing of what he really feels. He merely slumbers, breath slipping out of him.
Daring to take a risk, Sylvain reaches over to slide Dimitri's hair away from his face so that he doesn't accidentally eat any bit of it. He still has to think of a way to break things off with Dimitri, doesn't he? Someone like him couldn't even truly solve the pain that came in the aftermath of the tragedy. If anything, he'd just cause more trouble for Dimitri if he kept holding onto him. While acting as a pair had been great fun in order to see the way that Lorenz's jaw had fallen open... That's just because they're all just a bunch of idiot school children, playing about in a monastery.
But once they're out of the shield that Garreg Mach provides, once they're expected to take up the titles of proper princes and nobles and all that, well, it's a different matter entirely. It doesn't matter if Sylvain likes it or not; he knows that he's trapped by the Gautier name. Eventually, inevitably, he'll be roped back there to provide a heir, to act as just another warhorse against Sreng.
And Dimitri... Dimitri has even more eyes on him. Besides his uncle, there's no one else in the Blaiddyd lineage to carry on the royal duty, and honestly his uncle is doing kind of a half assed job at best in being regent. Sylvain knows that he's going to be a great king when he takes to the throne... but he knows just as much that he's going to have so many things weighed against him. Things he'll have to fight for just to keep it all at the status quo, let alone the grand changes he wants to make so that the people live better and that Duscur can once again stand on its own two feet separate from any invader.
Dealing with some sort of stupid scandal because he wouldn't let go of Sylvain for even a little while... Dimitri already deals with nightmares while he's asleep. This would be a nightmare to deal with in the waking world.
If he can't do anything for the nightmares of sleep... Sylvain is positive he can at least take care of this much.
Better to just leave it like that, Sylvain tells himself, and feels his heart ease a little bit. It's just... Not as much as he would like. It's the regret, he knows, because who couldn't love Dimitri? Who couldn't find some sort of reassurance in how stalwart he is, how painfully honest to the point that sometimes it's almost a little embarrassing? And those rare occasions where he can actually make him smile...
Yeah. He deserves someone who could keep that sort of expression on his face. Who could be the kind of queen that anyone would be proud to have at their side.
That's not going to be Sylvain, even if, maybe, it really would be nice to have another date where the two of them go out on another little ride, nothing but simple sandwiches and finger foods for them to munch on while they listen to the river besides them. It really would be nice.
Sylvain is just thinking of the bigger picture. And in a bigger picture, it'd be better for Dimitri to have someone better. Him? He's just bitter, flimsy trash.
In his sleep, Dimitri shifts, sighs out something that doesn't have enough of it to become a word. To become anything solid, or sensible. It hits Sylvain that he's left his fingertips lingering against one of Dimitri's temples, and he quickly pulls his hand away. Jeez, look at him. Getting lost in thought like this. And he still doesn't even have anything to prove for it, either. No way to break up amicably with Dimitri like he said they would, not when Dimitri still wants to go on another date.
Sinking back into his own blankets, Sylvain squeezes his eyes shut with a grimace before a sigh filters out. He'll figure it out in the morning, maybe during lunch, or when Dimitri is away at morning practice. Whenever he can get some time to himself.
Being around Dimitri makes it hard for him to think.
Sylvain kind of knew that from the beginning, of course. In a lot of ways, it was just going to be a given that he knew. For starters, their rooms are right next to one another. On more than one occasion, Dimitri has reminded him of this fact by getting aggravated at him because he's been able to, you know, hear maybe a snippet or two of the sort of things he's gotten up to with company.
That's something that goes both ways, however. In that same vein, he's been able to spend more than a few nights of his own just laying in bed, or flipping through books, when he's heard the sound of a door opening near to his own. Heard that attempts at quiet as Dimitri had snuck out, feet occasionally bare and slapping against stone. Those are the mundane nights. Some nights are worse. Some nights Sylvain can hear Dimitri talking to himself, sobs, cries muffled into a pillow.
None of it is really a surprise. What other reaction could a person really expect, from someone who had lived through what Dimitri had? Watching his family be slaughtered like pigs, seeing a dear friend die for his sake, the murder of so many innocent knights and servants...
And then no one had ever bothered to even pretend listening to him when he'd tried to talk about the culprits.
A kick to the gut, when he was already downed on the floor to start with.
Sylvain hates that he couldn't do more, when he was younger. Hates that he couldn't be there for Dimitri, although he supposes he wouldn't have fared any better than King Lambert or Glenn. Probably he'd have ended up just another nightmare, dogging at Dimitri's heels, and he'd rather die a thousand deaths than do that. It's just, he can't really do much else, either.
He's had nightmares tonight, too. Woke Sylvain up, honestly. It wasn't anything serious this time, so that's nice, at least. Just a few jerks and shudders that had knocked Sylvain out of it, muffled noises behind clenched teeth that had gotten him worried almost immediately.
Yet, just like back then, what could he really do? Nothing. So he'd just closed his eyes, listened carefully to the man besides him, and waited until his breathing had jerked, quickened, and then become something a little more awake. It's like Sylvain had told Dimitri a while ago - he's used to people slipping out of his bed in a lot of subtle ways. He's gotten more than a little knowledge on what it sounds like when someone is actually asleep, and when they're wide awake. Inevitably, Dimitri had jolted wide awake.
In turn, Sylvain knows he's pretty good at faking sleep as well. For a lot of those girls, it was better to do just that, to let them slip out of his bed and his room without another word or any fake sweet words. They'd both gotten what they'd wanted in that kind of scenario.
Probably, he could have faked sleep then, too, with Dimitri there wide awake and probably staring at a ceiling he couldn't really see.
...He couldn't have. How could he have? Who would have left Dimitri there alone in the dark, staring at nothing, haunted by the kinds of nightmares that Sylvain can't even imagine? All he had to deal with was a single brother. That was nothing, was it?
At least Dimitri sleeps soundly now. Doesn't seem like the kind of guy who can fake the various little details that go into it so well, and Sylvain is listening pretty closely. It takes a while - half an hour, maybe? A little more? - before he feels confident enough in shifting upwards to squint through the gloom. The moonlight hasn't really been doing them any favors for these late night talks, honestly, but it finally seems to be willing to give him a break. Silver light filters through the window, lets him see the smoothed out expression that lays across Dimitri's face. No nightmares. Not yet.
The things he would do if he could help ensure that Dimitri never had a bad dream ever again... Carefully, through far too much experience, Sylvain pushes himself up so that he can see Dimitri's face a little better. He looks a lot better like this, honestly.
And not just in the surface level handsome kind of way, although Dimitri is plenty of that, too. While he may have said it as a part of the bet, Sylvain was also telling the truth when he said that Dimitri was handsome, with beautiful eyes. Yet a part of him is at his most lovely when he's asleep like this. With no nightmares to haunt him, neither is Dimitri haunted by the burden that has been left to rest on his shoulders - has been there since before he could even be called a teenager. The burden of being crown prince, the burden of someone who saw the truth and wasn't believe, the burden of someone who was left standing alone in the blood and gore of everyone he had held dear...
There's no stern furrow to his brow, in peaceful sleep. His mouth isn't in a quiet line that says nothing of what he really feels. He merely slumbers, breath slipping out of him.
Daring to take a risk, Sylvain reaches over to slide Dimitri's hair away from his face so that he doesn't accidentally eat any bit of it. He still has to think of a way to break things off with Dimitri, doesn't he? Someone like him couldn't even truly solve the pain that came in the aftermath of the tragedy. If anything, he'd just cause more trouble for Dimitri if he kept holding onto him. While acting as a pair had been great fun in order to see the way that Lorenz's jaw had fallen open... That's just because they're all just a bunch of idiot school children, playing about in a monastery.
But once they're out of the shield that Garreg Mach provides, once they're expected to take up the titles of proper princes and nobles and all that, well, it's a different matter entirely. It doesn't matter if Sylvain likes it or not; he knows that he's trapped by the Gautier name. Eventually, inevitably, he'll be roped back there to provide a heir, to act as just another warhorse against Sreng.
And Dimitri... Dimitri has even more eyes on him. Besides his uncle, there's no one else in the Blaiddyd lineage to carry on the royal duty, and honestly his uncle is doing kind of a half assed job at best in being regent. Sylvain knows that he's going to be a great king when he takes to the throne... but he knows just as much that he's going to have so many things weighed against him. Things he'll have to fight for just to keep it all at the status quo, let alone the grand changes he wants to make so that the people live better and that Duscur can once again stand on its own two feet separate from any invader.
Dealing with some sort of stupid scandal because he wouldn't let go of Sylvain for even a little while... Dimitri already deals with nightmares while he's asleep. This would be a nightmare to deal with in the waking world.
If he can't do anything for the nightmares of sleep... Sylvain is positive he can at least take care of this much.
Better to just leave it like that, Sylvain tells himself, and feels his heart ease a little bit. It's just... Not as much as he would like. It's the regret, he knows, because who couldn't love Dimitri? Who couldn't find some sort of reassurance in how stalwart he is, how painfully honest to the point that sometimes it's almost a little embarrassing? And those rare occasions where he can actually make him smile...
Yeah. He deserves someone who could keep that sort of expression on his face. Who could be the kind of queen that anyone would be proud to have at their side.
That's not going to be Sylvain, even if, maybe, it really would be nice to have another date where the two of them go out on another little ride, nothing but simple sandwiches and finger foods for them to munch on while they listen to the river besides them. It really would be nice.
Sylvain is just thinking of the bigger picture. And in a bigger picture, it'd be better for Dimitri to have someone better. Him? He's just bitter, flimsy trash.
In his sleep, Dimitri shifts, sighs out something that doesn't have enough of it to become a word. To become anything solid, or sensible. It hits Sylvain that he's left his fingertips lingering against one of Dimitri's temples, and he quickly pulls his hand away. Jeez, look at him. Getting lost in thought like this. And he still doesn't even have anything to prove for it, either. No way to break up amicably with Dimitri like he said they would, not when Dimitri still wants to go on another date.
Sinking back into his own blankets, Sylvain squeezes his eyes shut with a grimace before a sigh filters out. He'll figure it out in the morning, maybe during lunch, or when Dimitri is away at morning practice. Whenever he can get some time to himself.
Being around Dimitri makes it hard for him to think.