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Dimivain Week: Day 5 - Long Distance
Someone knocks on the door, and Dimitri pushes himself up from the bed, blinking blearily. It's morning, now - golden sunlight filtering in from the window, the sound of birds singing following right after it. And the knocking, of course. Sharp. Quick. Loud. Dimitri tugs the blankets off of his legs and gets to his feet. He wants to say that he's coming, to hold on, he'll only be a minute, but a yawn is what filters out of his mouth instead.
Oh well. While he is in his pajamas, they are still respectable enough articles of clothing, and whoever is outside of his door must surely expect at least this much. Yet if there is such noise at his door, it means it is an emergency or of some import. There's no time to be shy.
"Good morning," he yawns as he opens the door. "How can I help you?"
A blink. And then another blink. Funnily enough, from what he can tell, Felix is doing the exact same thing as he stares up at him, only with eyes that are far more wide. Not that he's alone in that matter; Dimitri's own soon mimic him in turn. What on earth is going on here? Felix and he are neighbors, their dorm rooms right next to one another, but not once has Felix ever bothered to come knocking on his door. If anything, whenever Dimitri has heard that demanding voice of his, it's been... at... Sylvain's room....
Oh no.
For a moment, Dimitri feels light hearted as his body tries to do two different things at once - go pale as a sheet, or red as a tomato, and he can really only do one or the other. In the end, it's the latter that burns through his body, right as there's a long and loud yawn in the room behind him. "Mmm... What's going on? Jeez, all this loud noise in the morning..." A light thump, followed by footsteps, and, before he knows it, Sylvain is right there at his back, arms folded as they rest against Dimitri's own shoulders and back. In contrast to how Dimitri feels as though his heart is having an attack right there in his throat, Sylvain hardly seems bothered at all. Truly, an enviable aspect of his personality. "Oh, hey, it's Felix. Good morning to you too, love to wake up with my door being beaten in. Need a training partner again?"
That finally seems to snap Felix out of his own stupor, and he bristles. "I don't need anything," he snaps, reaching out for the door handle. "Both of you are wasting your morning." Very possibly, that was meant to tie into something else, but Felix doesn't bother to finish, or anything else. He just jerks the door right out of Dimitri's hands, and slams it quite firmly shut.
What else can Dimitri do but slowly sink his face into his hands? "How does this keep happening?" he asks, voice muffled into his hands. Sympathetically, Sylvain pats his back.
"Our friends are all excitable idiots," he says, which is perhaps not an entirely incorrect thing to say, although not the kindest. "Sometimes these things happen. Don't worry about it. If Annette and Ingrid already saw, then it's not like this sort of thing is going to get worse. It's just at status quo."
Well, he has a point there. At this rate, combined with everyone who's seen their antics in person, there probably isn't a soul alive in the officers academy who isn't aware of how the pair of them are dating, or at least went on one date. Actually, with what their friends in particular have seen alone, they probably now think the two of them have either been at this for much longer than what one would think, or that he's being swindled by Sylvain... Maybe both at once, actually.
While he's wondering how on earth he'll explain all of this to his friends so that they don't think he's completely fallen apart (although he wonders if Felix would actually care in the end), Sylvain straightens up a bit to look at him thoughtfully. "Hey, Dimitri," he says. "You don't actually want to be seen with me romantically, right? Or go one date-like kind of dates."
"What!?" Dimitri jerks, out of Sylvain's grasp and just a step away from him. "Of course I would like to go - on a romantic date, Sylvain, please, I am not a child anymore." He crosses his arms, brow drawn together. Where did this come from? "That is what we were on before, so it is what I wanted to try."
He doesn't like the way that Sylvain is looking at him, hands folded behind his head as he leans back on one foot - as though this is just another amusing little outburst he's watching from afar, like it doesn't concern him in any way whatsoever. With how gossip and drama is prone to exploding amongst nobles, even in a place where they should be learning religion and politics and battle, it is a gesture that he has seen a good few times now. "Hey, there's no need to get upset," he says, like he's figured out some great mystery. "But you've never really done anything romantic before, Dimitri. That's the entire reason I used to tease you so much on it, you know? If you just want to hang out more, you can just say that... It's just that you got mixed up on it being a date, because of that silly bet we went in on."
"And what makes you so certain that I am so mixed up, as you call it?"
"Just now." Sylvain inclines his head towards the door, ever so slightly. Not enough to dislodge it from its place against his palms. "If you were really interested in dating me, then you wouldn't get so flustered just at being seen with me. That's the whole point of dating, you know? Not being afraid if someone sees you being romantic with the one you loved. Instead, it's embarrassing to be mistaken as my lover, right? It's fine to admit that! I'm not gonna get angry at you or anything." And he laughs.
And the infuriating thing is that... Dimitri has to understand those steps of logic. He understands them so well, in fact, that they're enough to make him hesitate and wonder if that really is what he wants. Even he has to admit to himself that he's missed the companionship of all of his friends, felt as though he was robbed of even the friendships that remained when the Tragedy came and changed everything. Maybe Sylvain is right. Maybe this is all some foolish and childish wish of his that has been lurking in his heart for years now,
Except no. He knows that is not it. "Just because I became flustered a moment ago does not mean I was any less sincere when I asked for a second date. It is just..." Ugh. The red on his face hasn't really left at all, and Dimitri looks to the side with a huff. "....Sylvain, you must promise that you will not laugh."
"....Okay, see, now I definitely kind of want to laugh almost on principle, but, okay, I won't laugh."
"You must also promise that you will not use what I tell you later to tease me."
"Hey! Jeez, you must really be embarrassed then, huh?" Shaking his head, Sylvain lowers his hands only to toss them carelessly to the side in a little gesture that seems much grander than it is. "Fine, fine, then I won't use it later to tease you. What is it? The suspense is killing me."
If the suspense is killing Sylvain, then Dimitr thinks he is dying as well, although for entirely different reasons. Still, he has essentially promised to tell Sylvain this... Dimitri squeezes his eyes shut, and resolves himself. "The reason that I have become so awkward, with our friends seeing us in such situations... It is not because I am ashamed of the idea of being seen together with you, and being thought of as a lover. Rather..." Ugh. He knows Sylvain is going to hold this over his head. "Rather, I was embarrassed at being seen in such intimate and embarrassing states when I have not even properly courted you, let alone wed you."
At least he can get some grain of satisfaction from this whole nonsense. Sylvain loses all of his composure, choking on the air that goes down to his lungs. "Wed?" he wheezes out. "Wait, not, even courting - this is exactly the kind of thing that would get you in trouble with girls, you know!" He seems to recover himself at least a little bit, raking his hands up through his hair. "People don't need to court before they do things. And anyway, aren't you wearing pajamas?"
"Yes? Any sensible person would wear pajamas to bed, especially with how cold the nights can get."
Then again, Dimitri has to admit that his idea of pajamas are very different than, say, what a person from the Leicester Alliance might use for pajamas. It's just a matter of the different climates, and the different cultures that they all take influence from. He'd always been using his pajamas from Faerghus, finding them perfectly serviceable, but maybe Sylvain has found something more relevant to Garreg Mach's particular location....
Sylvain just shakes his head. "It doesn't matter how cold the nights get when you're with a lover," he points out, lips quirking in a sly little smile. "If what you're so worried about had actually happened, well... The two of us would be in a far messier state than in just our pajamas."
...Oh.
While Dimitri stays stunned silent and still burning red, Sylvain laughs a little more again. "Honestly, if Felix walks away with that impression in his brain, then that's just because he has the same problem as you in that he doesn't have even a bit of romantic experience. Besides, he won't say anything to anyone. If there's one thing that Felix hates the most in this world, it's stupid gossip interfering with his training prep. Just hearing it is enough to annoy him. Why on earth would he spread it?"
Dimitri isn't entirely sure that gossip is what Felix hates most in the world, honestly. In fact, he's fairly certain that he is what Felix hates most in the world, except then Felix will almost act as though they were normal again, as if they were two boys talking about weapons instead of a soldier and a monster.
Well, his difficult relationship with Felix is an entirely different matter for the time being, especially when he's trying to struggle with his relationship with Sylvain - difficult in a completely different way altogether. Dimitri wipes his hand across his face, as though that will clear away his foolish and embarrassing blush. "Well... Maybe so on all of those accounts," Dimitri grumbles. "And yet that is still what crossed my mind. It had nothing to do with me being ashamed of being seen as someone intimate to you." Just, you know, he hadn't been prepared for that level of mistaken intimacy.
Sylvain shakes his head, turning away to go over to his wardrobe. If Felix is up, after all, then that means the monastery bells will soon be ringing to rouse all its inhabitants. "Jeez, you really are too ridiculous sometimes, Dimitri..."
"As though you are one to speak of being ridiculous." Dimitri huffs, even as he politely turns away so that Sylvain can change in peace. Normally, this would not be such a big deal. All of them are being trained in the ways of battle and, during such times, there is no reason to be shy about seeing the bodies of your fellow soldiers and warriors. There is simply no time for it. Still, with what is going on between the two of them specifically... Well, at least he can just go over to where he placed his own little travel sack, and start getting out his own clothes. "If we are going to have such a discussion so immediately upon waking, then I feel I am permitted to point out that you have not answered my question."
"What question?"
"I asked last night if your own feelings were truly so opposed to going on another date with me. If there is anything inside yourself, instead of outward, that disapproved of such things."
Because Dimitri knows there are no end of things outward that would disapprove of his relationship with Sylvain. If he thinks back to the backbiting nature of the court back in Fhirdiad, the one lead under his uncle that dismissed his elder even as it fought for his attention, well, it is a simple thing to think of a large list of reasons why there would be issues. Thinking of the gossip, the objections, is almost easier than breathing in some ways. There'd be whining about Sylvain's rank, and demands about how a child would be produced.... All of that, even before engagement or marriage was even ever thought of.
Yet still, so what? If he worried about every single thing that other people said, then he never would have done a great deal of things - never would have taken up the lance so studiously, never insisted that Dedue act as his retainer and no one else.
There aren't any words, not yet. Just the sound of drawers opening, of wooden wardrobe doors closing. Dimitri's own shuffling as he digs through his pack. Of course, he does have to admit that there could be a reason Sylvain would not want to date him. There are a lot of reasons. And so, with nothing else said... "Is it because of what Felix says about me?" he asks quietly.
There's a light thud, and Dimitri turns his head around to find Sylvain rubbing at his knee as he turns away from his drawers. "What?" he asks, still grimacing at whatever bruise he's developed. "That has nothing to do with it, Dimitri. I know what Felix says, but - well, I know that you're not some monster."
No, most people don't think he's a monster. Felix is really the only one who sees the truth in him, it seems. Dimitri can't help but feel bad about it, almost wishes that everyone would realize what he really is... But if that were the case, then there is no way he would be permitted to ascend to the throne. If he can't ascend to the throne, then he can't keep the many promises he's made - to the living, like Dedue, or the dead, like his parents and Glenn and so many other innocents.
He thought that maybe Sylvain would have understood a little better, maybe, but at the same time... Ingrid doesn't few him in that way either. Being childhood friends doesn't always mean a person knows everything about another, apparently.
His silence doesn't seem to reassure Sylvain much at all, and he sighs. "Listen," he says, voice gentler than it was before as he straightens up from his poor knee. "I did enjoy just... going on a ride with you outside of the monastery. It was really nice. It's just... I mean, we both know that it's going to end sooner than it does later, right? So it wouldn't be right for you to..." Sylvain hesitates a moment, and Dimitri can almost see the way he's rearranging the words in his mind. "...I just don't want to deal with that kind of thing, you know. It's one thing if I just have some dates here and there; I don't expect them to go anywhere. But thinking about us dating, only to call it off when I inevitably go back to Gautier..." He smiles, but there's no mirth in it. Just something a little empty. "Well, it just seems like it would be a lot of work, right?"
Dimitri wonders, for a moment, what he means exactly. It would be a lot of work on a relationship, only for it to never go anywhere? It would be a lot of work to keep a hold of that relationship? Or would it be a lot of work to treat a relationship between them like any other, even as they know it is quickly coming to an end? They don't even have a whole year at Garreg Mach anymore. Time has passed since they first stepped into its halls.
And still. Still.
Dimitri pushes himself up to his feet, and steps towards Sylvain, drawing his friend's eyes to him once more. "On any day, I could die," he says quietly, and that immediately rouses the redhead.
"Hey, no, don't say it like that, Dimitri-"
"I am not saying it to be pitiful," Dimitri clarifies. He has a feeling that if he explained to Sylvain he wishes for the day he can pass, that it would make his dear friend feel all the worse. "I am saying it simply as a matter of fact. Even from the start, just by the nature of me being a member of the royal family, there are many people who would be glad to see me dead." The people who killed his parents, for example. "And by the nature of how Faerghan royalty conduct themselves, or how they should conduct themselves, I could fall in battle as well." Or the plague, or an assassination, or any number of other things that dog at his footsteps. Dimitri is aware of it all. "And yet... Even if I were to die so suddenly... Can I really view my time spent with all the others as something worthless?"
As something that was just too much trouble, too much work, when the end result would be what it would be?
Sylvain starts to rub at his face, looking like he's just made a really stupid move in chess. That's a rare occasion, although Dimitri has to admit it's not as though he's watched Sylvain and Claude play chess a great deal to say just how common it is. "Dimitri.... Come on, you know I can't argue with that sort of thing."
"I'm not trying to guilt you," Dimitri reminds him, although he may be doing that regardless. Oh well. It can't be helped. "I am simply saying... As long as you truly held a genuine interest, then I would never find any time with you to be a waste. And..." This is far too much, far too quickly, the things he wants to say. It's just, they feel like the kinds of things he should say, in a moment like this. Dimitri bites his tongue, and carefully thinks his words out. "And I would never leave you alone, Sylvain, if you did not wish it."
He wouldn't let him go back to Gautier, colder than winter away from all of them, without trying to do something. Writing letters, at the very least. He will likely do that even if this entire debacle does not end favorably. It is just him being selfish, this monster who doesn't deserve any of it, he knows, but... He's tired of the loneliness he remembers from his youth, just him and Dedue and a castle that felt against them.
And he doesn't want Sylvain to experience that loneliness either.
Sylvain groans into his hands, before raking them upwards, fingers tangling into his hair. "You know, you're just as stubborn as when you were a little kid," he says, exasperated. Maybe it's just Dimitri's own desires, however, but he doesn't look that bothered about it all. "Fine, how about this - I'll go on at least another date with you. But the second you feel uncomfortable, or realize that it's not what you actually wanted at all, whatever, you have to tell me. It doesn't matter where we are. You can just blurt it out and I won't take offense. Got it?"
It's not how he thought he would get this conversation, or that this is exactly how it would end... But it's still good enough, really, isn't it? Dimitri smiles a little bit, perhaps more relieved than anything else. Sylvain still hasn't actually answered him that question from last night. He has no idea if Sylvain really does like the idea of further dates like that one they had the other day, or if he's just doing this because Dimitri is being a bother.
All he can do is watch, he suppose, and keep up talking like this. If nothing else, it's certainly been... enlightening, for a lack of better word.
"I will do so," he agrees, shoulders easing up from all the tension that had taken over them just a moment ago. "I apologize if I was rather pushy, Sylvain. I just thought... this was something too important to not treat with my utmost attention."
"You're always like that, Dimitri," Sylvain points out, hands falling down to his sides again. Despite the fact that he's clearly giving up on all of this, there's a smile on his face again. "You treat everything that comes your way as though it's the most important thing in the world. I mean, how many other nobles would apologize for using their authority?"
Huh. Dimitri blinks, and tilts his head to the side consideringly. "I always imagined that you would be one of those types of nobles, Sylvain," he points out.
"You think too well of me," Sylvain says dryly, before his fingers curl to the hem of his shirt. Just like that, he pulls upwards, shedding the shirt as easily as anything. It starts Dimitri, his body jerking back before he remembers they were indeed changing. Right, right. Politely, he turns away. He hasn't even gotten all of his own clothes out and prepared yet... "Anyway, you're going to have to deal with a lot of nonsense because of this. I hope you're prepared for it, Dimitri."
Honestly. As though dealing with petty drama on who he's dating is something he needs to really prepare for. "I will do just fine, I can assure you of that," he promises. "Have a bit more faith in me than that I would fold to student gossip of all things." If that happened, it wouldn't bode well for the Kingdom at all.
Sylvain snorts, and there's the sound of clothes hitting the bed - the pajamas, probably. "I mean, you might fold to Lorenz Gloucester's whining about improper noble behavior. I think anyone would lose it if they had to listen to that for too long... and by which I mean for any amount of time more than two minutes. I'm kind of amazed at how easily Leonie can handles him. I kind of want to ask for her secret, but I think she just sort of bulldozes on through and drags him along with her..."
It's funny, honestly. Despite the conversation they've just had, the fact that the two of them have slept together, how everything has now truly changed between the two of them... They still end up talking about just minor things about the school, while changing into their uniforms properly. It's a casual, relaxed conversation, the kind that seems to pass quickly as they button up their shirts.
Really... That's the kind of thing he truly does adore about being with Sylvain. The thing he supposes he had to learn to appreciate, when he's so stifled by everything else that makes up his life.
Of course, that doesn't mean he can allow himself or Sylvain to be left slacking, and Sylvain groans when Dimitri drags him over to the training grounds before the bells can start to ring. "I thought that I could lounge around and have a relaxed morning if I wasn't dragged around by Felix, but I guess I should have known better, huh?" he asks, glancing over to where the swordsman is already practicing. Apparently with the absence of Sylvain, Felix has grabbed onto another soul for his morning practice, and that would happen to be one Claude von Riegan.
It's an unusual sight, it truly is. Normally, Claude sticks to the archery range rather than the training halls where he can spare with another person using melee weapons. Felix must have grabbed him after he was wobbling out from the library, where he sticks his nose into every book he can find and then some. Dimitri knows this because he's run into him late at night after doing exactly that. But today he has an axe in his hands as he tries to fend off Felix's aggressive advances. He's perfectly serviceable with it, certainly, but it doesn't seem like it will be enough to fend off Felix forever.
At least, not until Claude suddenly twists the axe in his hands and throws it right at Felix's ankles.
Sylvain wheezes in a laugh, and even Dimitri has to press a hand to his own mouth as he watches Felix stumble, not expecting that kind of move. That's all the time Claude needs to whirl around, and he dashes off with a quip tossed over his shoulder. Unfortunately for him, that's the kind of clever cheating nonsense that Felix adores. It may not show as much considering the way Felix curses and gives chase, but Dimitri still knows him that well, at least.
Wiping some mirthful tears from his eyes, Sylvain grins. "I should see if I can't trap Claude into more sparring sessions with Felix... That's a show more than worth the price of admission from him destroying my kneecaps."
"Please give your kneecaps in good health, Sylvain." Taking one of the practice lances up off the wall, handling it delicately, Dimitri turns to Sylvain. "After all, you'll be sparring with me this morning, and so I need you to be able to stay on your feet."
"One of these days, I really am going to trick you into sleeping in once. I don't care if I have to bribe the people who ring the bells."
In the days that come, Sylvain never really gets a chance to bribe anyone. Dimitri would like to say that it's because he keeps him busy, keeps him close, and so there is never any time for him to slip away to get up to any sort of mischief besides silly wagers with Claude over chess or convincing Dedue to keep giving him cooking lessons. However, in truth, it is because the world continues to move on, and with it, things keep happening.
Some of them are pleasant - the shenanigans in the kitchen, the tournaments that keep their attention, Dimitri frantically ducking away from the responsibility of becoming the Heron Cup representative.
Many of them are not.
Flayn's kidnapping.
Remire.
The loss of Captain Jeralt.
All of it feels like the lead up to something, the trek up onto a cliff where one misstep could lead to the tumbling climax. Dimitri can feel it coming in his gut, can feel it almost like the dagger he recognized so instantly on that dreary day is coming straight for his heart.
Sylvain feels it too. On that much, Dimitri is positive. It shows in the way he makes more jokes, smiles more, laughs more. Dimitri isn't sure if he ever noticed it before, that Sylvain turns to humor the more things get worse. To distract them all? To make them smile in turn? Or just to distract his own mind from what is happening? He has no idea, and Dimitri never quite remembers to ask. He's too busy with everything that happens, right up until the day they are to go into the Holy Tomb.
"Do you think you could have a little more power, if you were known as one of the knights who was at the side of a new saint?" Dimitri asks him one day, as they're fetching their lances just in case. It's best to be prepared, the Professor had told them. Best to bring all their equipment, and any steeds that would not mind the dark. And if the best happens, well, they will look dashing.
The best will probably not happen. That is not how this school year has went.
Sylvain snorts, and his smile becomes a little more wry. It's a small detail that Dimitri has come to appreciate, these hints of honest emotion in him. "I could become the next saint myself, and I'd probably still be expected to deal with noble duty," he says, spinning one lance in his hands. "Anyway, I think it's kind of jumping the gun to say that this will happen like Lady Rhea thinks it will happen. Or maybe that's just because our professor has a habit of surprising people."
Except, in the end, it's not the professor who turns out to be the one that surprises them. It's the Imperial army.
It's that painfully familiar face, behind metal that is falling apart to reveal the truth.
After that, things become... indistinct. Blurry, and distant. All he can hear are those nightmares intruding into the waking world, the voices of his father and his mother and Glenn, a cacophony of innocent victims, all demanding that he do what needs to be done. He brushes off Dedue's worries about his sleeping schedule, doesn't listen to Sylvain even when he drops the jokes and asks if he'd like to share a room with him again. Talk deep into the night.
During that one night they'd spent together, Sylvain's voice had quietly pulled his mind away from the sounds of battle that he'll never forget for the rest of his life. He can't bear to hear him now, however.
Then again, he's not entirely sure how much of that is his choice, and how much of it is the roar of voices he hears, recounting their final moments.
Garreg Mach falls.
Sylvain goes back up to Gautier for the necessity of it all, to call back the family's abilities in war to be focused in the opposite direction. Dimitri, in turn, goes to Fhirdiad, to rouse his uncle into some proper action for once and give Dimitri the chance for vengeance he's been searching for all these years.
Instead, he finds a corpse, and, in turn, blame finds him.
Dimitri does not see Sylvain for five long years. He doesn't see much of anyone.
Oh well. While he is in his pajamas, they are still respectable enough articles of clothing, and whoever is outside of his door must surely expect at least this much. Yet if there is such noise at his door, it means it is an emergency or of some import. There's no time to be shy.
"Good morning," he yawns as he opens the door. "How can I help you?"
A blink. And then another blink. Funnily enough, from what he can tell, Felix is doing the exact same thing as he stares up at him, only with eyes that are far more wide. Not that he's alone in that matter; Dimitri's own soon mimic him in turn. What on earth is going on here? Felix and he are neighbors, their dorm rooms right next to one another, but not once has Felix ever bothered to come knocking on his door. If anything, whenever Dimitri has heard that demanding voice of his, it's been... at... Sylvain's room....
Oh no.
For a moment, Dimitri feels light hearted as his body tries to do two different things at once - go pale as a sheet, or red as a tomato, and he can really only do one or the other. In the end, it's the latter that burns through his body, right as there's a long and loud yawn in the room behind him. "Mmm... What's going on? Jeez, all this loud noise in the morning..." A light thump, followed by footsteps, and, before he knows it, Sylvain is right there at his back, arms folded as they rest against Dimitri's own shoulders and back. In contrast to how Dimitri feels as though his heart is having an attack right there in his throat, Sylvain hardly seems bothered at all. Truly, an enviable aspect of his personality. "Oh, hey, it's Felix. Good morning to you too, love to wake up with my door being beaten in. Need a training partner again?"
That finally seems to snap Felix out of his own stupor, and he bristles. "I don't need anything," he snaps, reaching out for the door handle. "Both of you are wasting your morning." Very possibly, that was meant to tie into something else, but Felix doesn't bother to finish, or anything else. He just jerks the door right out of Dimitri's hands, and slams it quite firmly shut.
What else can Dimitri do but slowly sink his face into his hands? "How does this keep happening?" he asks, voice muffled into his hands. Sympathetically, Sylvain pats his back.
"Our friends are all excitable idiots," he says, which is perhaps not an entirely incorrect thing to say, although not the kindest. "Sometimes these things happen. Don't worry about it. If Annette and Ingrid already saw, then it's not like this sort of thing is going to get worse. It's just at status quo."
Well, he has a point there. At this rate, combined with everyone who's seen their antics in person, there probably isn't a soul alive in the officers academy who isn't aware of how the pair of them are dating, or at least went on one date. Actually, with what their friends in particular have seen alone, they probably now think the two of them have either been at this for much longer than what one would think, or that he's being swindled by Sylvain... Maybe both at once, actually.
While he's wondering how on earth he'll explain all of this to his friends so that they don't think he's completely fallen apart (although he wonders if Felix would actually care in the end), Sylvain straightens up a bit to look at him thoughtfully. "Hey, Dimitri," he says. "You don't actually want to be seen with me romantically, right? Or go one date-like kind of dates."
"What!?" Dimitri jerks, out of Sylvain's grasp and just a step away from him. "Of course I would like to go - on a romantic date, Sylvain, please, I am not a child anymore." He crosses his arms, brow drawn together. Where did this come from? "That is what we were on before, so it is what I wanted to try."
He doesn't like the way that Sylvain is looking at him, hands folded behind his head as he leans back on one foot - as though this is just another amusing little outburst he's watching from afar, like it doesn't concern him in any way whatsoever. With how gossip and drama is prone to exploding amongst nobles, even in a place where they should be learning religion and politics and battle, it is a gesture that he has seen a good few times now. "Hey, there's no need to get upset," he says, like he's figured out some great mystery. "But you've never really done anything romantic before, Dimitri. That's the entire reason I used to tease you so much on it, you know? If you just want to hang out more, you can just say that... It's just that you got mixed up on it being a date, because of that silly bet we went in on."
"And what makes you so certain that I am so mixed up, as you call it?"
"Just now." Sylvain inclines his head towards the door, ever so slightly. Not enough to dislodge it from its place against his palms. "If you were really interested in dating me, then you wouldn't get so flustered just at being seen with me. That's the whole point of dating, you know? Not being afraid if someone sees you being romantic with the one you loved. Instead, it's embarrassing to be mistaken as my lover, right? It's fine to admit that! I'm not gonna get angry at you or anything." And he laughs.
And the infuriating thing is that... Dimitri has to understand those steps of logic. He understands them so well, in fact, that they're enough to make him hesitate and wonder if that really is what he wants. Even he has to admit to himself that he's missed the companionship of all of his friends, felt as though he was robbed of even the friendships that remained when the Tragedy came and changed everything. Maybe Sylvain is right. Maybe this is all some foolish and childish wish of his that has been lurking in his heart for years now,
Except no. He knows that is not it. "Just because I became flustered a moment ago does not mean I was any less sincere when I asked for a second date. It is just..." Ugh. The red on his face hasn't really left at all, and Dimitri looks to the side with a huff. "....Sylvain, you must promise that you will not laugh."
"....Okay, see, now I definitely kind of want to laugh almost on principle, but, okay, I won't laugh."
"You must also promise that you will not use what I tell you later to tease me."
"Hey! Jeez, you must really be embarrassed then, huh?" Shaking his head, Sylvain lowers his hands only to toss them carelessly to the side in a little gesture that seems much grander than it is. "Fine, fine, then I won't use it later to tease you. What is it? The suspense is killing me."
If the suspense is killing Sylvain, then Dimitr thinks he is dying as well, although for entirely different reasons. Still, he has essentially promised to tell Sylvain this... Dimitri squeezes his eyes shut, and resolves himself. "The reason that I have become so awkward, with our friends seeing us in such situations... It is not because I am ashamed of the idea of being seen together with you, and being thought of as a lover. Rather..." Ugh. He knows Sylvain is going to hold this over his head. "Rather, I was embarrassed at being seen in such intimate and embarrassing states when I have not even properly courted you, let alone wed you."
At least he can get some grain of satisfaction from this whole nonsense. Sylvain loses all of his composure, choking on the air that goes down to his lungs. "Wed?" he wheezes out. "Wait, not, even courting - this is exactly the kind of thing that would get you in trouble with girls, you know!" He seems to recover himself at least a little bit, raking his hands up through his hair. "People don't need to court before they do things. And anyway, aren't you wearing pajamas?"
"Yes? Any sensible person would wear pajamas to bed, especially with how cold the nights can get."
Then again, Dimitri has to admit that his idea of pajamas are very different than, say, what a person from the Leicester Alliance might use for pajamas. It's just a matter of the different climates, and the different cultures that they all take influence from. He'd always been using his pajamas from Faerghus, finding them perfectly serviceable, but maybe Sylvain has found something more relevant to Garreg Mach's particular location....
Sylvain just shakes his head. "It doesn't matter how cold the nights get when you're with a lover," he points out, lips quirking in a sly little smile. "If what you're so worried about had actually happened, well... The two of us would be in a far messier state than in just our pajamas."
...Oh.
While Dimitri stays stunned silent and still burning red, Sylvain laughs a little more again. "Honestly, if Felix walks away with that impression in his brain, then that's just because he has the same problem as you in that he doesn't have even a bit of romantic experience. Besides, he won't say anything to anyone. If there's one thing that Felix hates the most in this world, it's stupid gossip interfering with his training prep. Just hearing it is enough to annoy him. Why on earth would he spread it?"
Dimitri isn't entirely sure that gossip is what Felix hates most in the world, honestly. In fact, he's fairly certain that he is what Felix hates most in the world, except then Felix will almost act as though they were normal again, as if they were two boys talking about weapons instead of a soldier and a monster.
Well, his difficult relationship with Felix is an entirely different matter for the time being, especially when he's trying to struggle with his relationship with Sylvain - difficult in a completely different way altogether. Dimitri wipes his hand across his face, as though that will clear away his foolish and embarrassing blush. "Well... Maybe so on all of those accounts," Dimitri grumbles. "And yet that is still what crossed my mind. It had nothing to do with me being ashamed of being seen as someone intimate to you." Just, you know, he hadn't been prepared for that level of mistaken intimacy.
Sylvain shakes his head, turning away to go over to his wardrobe. If Felix is up, after all, then that means the monastery bells will soon be ringing to rouse all its inhabitants. "Jeez, you really are too ridiculous sometimes, Dimitri..."
"As though you are one to speak of being ridiculous." Dimitri huffs, even as he politely turns away so that Sylvain can change in peace. Normally, this would not be such a big deal. All of them are being trained in the ways of battle and, during such times, there is no reason to be shy about seeing the bodies of your fellow soldiers and warriors. There is simply no time for it. Still, with what is going on between the two of them specifically... Well, at least he can just go over to where he placed his own little travel sack, and start getting out his own clothes. "If we are going to have such a discussion so immediately upon waking, then I feel I am permitted to point out that you have not answered my question."
"What question?"
"I asked last night if your own feelings were truly so opposed to going on another date with me. If there is anything inside yourself, instead of outward, that disapproved of such things."
Because Dimitri knows there are no end of things outward that would disapprove of his relationship with Sylvain. If he thinks back to the backbiting nature of the court back in Fhirdiad, the one lead under his uncle that dismissed his elder even as it fought for his attention, well, it is a simple thing to think of a large list of reasons why there would be issues. Thinking of the gossip, the objections, is almost easier than breathing in some ways. There'd be whining about Sylvain's rank, and demands about how a child would be produced.... All of that, even before engagement or marriage was even ever thought of.
Yet still, so what? If he worried about every single thing that other people said, then he never would have done a great deal of things - never would have taken up the lance so studiously, never insisted that Dedue act as his retainer and no one else.
There aren't any words, not yet. Just the sound of drawers opening, of wooden wardrobe doors closing. Dimitri's own shuffling as he digs through his pack. Of course, he does have to admit that there could be a reason Sylvain would not want to date him. There are a lot of reasons. And so, with nothing else said... "Is it because of what Felix says about me?" he asks quietly.
There's a light thud, and Dimitri turns his head around to find Sylvain rubbing at his knee as he turns away from his drawers. "What?" he asks, still grimacing at whatever bruise he's developed. "That has nothing to do with it, Dimitri. I know what Felix says, but - well, I know that you're not some monster."
No, most people don't think he's a monster. Felix is really the only one who sees the truth in him, it seems. Dimitri can't help but feel bad about it, almost wishes that everyone would realize what he really is... But if that were the case, then there is no way he would be permitted to ascend to the throne. If he can't ascend to the throne, then he can't keep the many promises he's made - to the living, like Dedue, or the dead, like his parents and Glenn and so many other innocents.
He thought that maybe Sylvain would have understood a little better, maybe, but at the same time... Ingrid doesn't few him in that way either. Being childhood friends doesn't always mean a person knows everything about another, apparently.
His silence doesn't seem to reassure Sylvain much at all, and he sighs. "Listen," he says, voice gentler than it was before as he straightens up from his poor knee. "I did enjoy just... going on a ride with you outside of the monastery. It was really nice. It's just... I mean, we both know that it's going to end sooner than it does later, right? So it wouldn't be right for you to..." Sylvain hesitates a moment, and Dimitri can almost see the way he's rearranging the words in his mind. "...I just don't want to deal with that kind of thing, you know. It's one thing if I just have some dates here and there; I don't expect them to go anywhere. But thinking about us dating, only to call it off when I inevitably go back to Gautier..." He smiles, but there's no mirth in it. Just something a little empty. "Well, it just seems like it would be a lot of work, right?"
Dimitri wonders, for a moment, what he means exactly. It would be a lot of work on a relationship, only for it to never go anywhere? It would be a lot of work to keep a hold of that relationship? Or would it be a lot of work to treat a relationship between them like any other, even as they know it is quickly coming to an end? They don't even have a whole year at Garreg Mach anymore. Time has passed since they first stepped into its halls.
And still. Still.
Dimitri pushes himself up to his feet, and steps towards Sylvain, drawing his friend's eyes to him once more. "On any day, I could die," he says quietly, and that immediately rouses the redhead.
"Hey, no, don't say it like that, Dimitri-"
"I am not saying it to be pitiful," Dimitri clarifies. He has a feeling that if he explained to Sylvain he wishes for the day he can pass, that it would make his dear friend feel all the worse. "I am saying it simply as a matter of fact. Even from the start, just by the nature of me being a member of the royal family, there are many people who would be glad to see me dead." The people who killed his parents, for example. "And by the nature of how Faerghan royalty conduct themselves, or how they should conduct themselves, I could fall in battle as well." Or the plague, or an assassination, or any number of other things that dog at his footsteps. Dimitri is aware of it all. "And yet... Even if I were to die so suddenly... Can I really view my time spent with all the others as something worthless?"
As something that was just too much trouble, too much work, when the end result would be what it would be?
Sylvain starts to rub at his face, looking like he's just made a really stupid move in chess. That's a rare occasion, although Dimitri has to admit it's not as though he's watched Sylvain and Claude play chess a great deal to say just how common it is. "Dimitri.... Come on, you know I can't argue with that sort of thing."
"I'm not trying to guilt you," Dimitri reminds him, although he may be doing that regardless. Oh well. It can't be helped. "I am simply saying... As long as you truly held a genuine interest, then I would never find any time with you to be a waste. And..." This is far too much, far too quickly, the things he wants to say. It's just, they feel like the kinds of things he should say, in a moment like this. Dimitri bites his tongue, and carefully thinks his words out. "And I would never leave you alone, Sylvain, if you did not wish it."
He wouldn't let him go back to Gautier, colder than winter away from all of them, without trying to do something. Writing letters, at the very least. He will likely do that even if this entire debacle does not end favorably. It is just him being selfish, this monster who doesn't deserve any of it, he knows, but... He's tired of the loneliness he remembers from his youth, just him and Dedue and a castle that felt against them.
And he doesn't want Sylvain to experience that loneliness either.
Sylvain groans into his hands, before raking them upwards, fingers tangling into his hair. "You know, you're just as stubborn as when you were a little kid," he says, exasperated. Maybe it's just Dimitri's own desires, however, but he doesn't look that bothered about it all. "Fine, how about this - I'll go on at least another date with you. But the second you feel uncomfortable, or realize that it's not what you actually wanted at all, whatever, you have to tell me. It doesn't matter where we are. You can just blurt it out and I won't take offense. Got it?"
It's not how he thought he would get this conversation, or that this is exactly how it would end... But it's still good enough, really, isn't it? Dimitri smiles a little bit, perhaps more relieved than anything else. Sylvain still hasn't actually answered him that question from last night. He has no idea if Sylvain really does like the idea of further dates like that one they had the other day, or if he's just doing this because Dimitri is being a bother.
All he can do is watch, he suppose, and keep up talking like this. If nothing else, it's certainly been... enlightening, for a lack of better word.
"I will do so," he agrees, shoulders easing up from all the tension that had taken over them just a moment ago. "I apologize if I was rather pushy, Sylvain. I just thought... this was something too important to not treat with my utmost attention."
"You're always like that, Dimitri," Sylvain points out, hands falling down to his sides again. Despite the fact that he's clearly giving up on all of this, there's a smile on his face again. "You treat everything that comes your way as though it's the most important thing in the world. I mean, how many other nobles would apologize for using their authority?"
Huh. Dimitri blinks, and tilts his head to the side consideringly. "I always imagined that you would be one of those types of nobles, Sylvain," he points out.
"You think too well of me," Sylvain says dryly, before his fingers curl to the hem of his shirt. Just like that, he pulls upwards, shedding the shirt as easily as anything. It starts Dimitri, his body jerking back before he remembers they were indeed changing. Right, right. Politely, he turns away. He hasn't even gotten all of his own clothes out and prepared yet... "Anyway, you're going to have to deal with a lot of nonsense because of this. I hope you're prepared for it, Dimitri."
Honestly. As though dealing with petty drama on who he's dating is something he needs to really prepare for. "I will do just fine, I can assure you of that," he promises. "Have a bit more faith in me than that I would fold to student gossip of all things." If that happened, it wouldn't bode well for the Kingdom at all.
Sylvain snorts, and there's the sound of clothes hitting the bed - the pajamas, probably. "I mean, you might fold to Lorenz Gloucester's whining about improper noble behavior. I think anyone would lose it if they had to listen to that for too long... and by which I mean for any amount of time more than two minutes. I'm kind of amazed at how easily Leonie can handles him. I kind of want to ask for her secret, but I think she just sort of bulldozes on through and drags him along with her..."
It's funny, honestly. Despite the conversation they've just had, the fact that the two of them have slept together, how everything has now truly changed between the two of them... They still end up talking about just minor things about the school, while changing into their uniforms properly. It's a casual, relaxed conversation, the kind that seems to pass quickly as they button up their shirts.
Really... That's the kind of thing he truly does adore about being with Sylvain. The thing he supposes he had to learn to appreciate, when he's so stifled by everything else that makes up his life.
Of course, that doesn't mean he can allow himself or Sylvain to be left slacking, and Sylvain groans when Dimitri drags him over to the training grounds before the bells can start to ring. "I thought that I could lounge around and have a relaxed morning if I wasn't dragged around by Felix, but I guess I should have known better, huh?" he asks, glancing over to where the swordsman is already practicing. Apparently with the absence of Sylvain, Felix has grabbed onto another soul for his morning practice, and that would happen to be one Claude von Riegan.
It's an unusual sight, it truly is. Normally, Claude sticks to the archery range rather than the training halls where he can spare with another person using melee weapons. Felix must have grabbed him after he was wobbling out from the library, where he sticks his nose into every book he can find and then some. Dimitri knows this because he's run into him late at night after doing exactly that. But today he has an axe in his hands as he tries to fend off Felix's aggressive advances. He's perfectly serviceable with it, certainly, but it doesn't seem like it will be enough to fend off Felix forever.
At least, not until Claude suddenly twists the axe in his hands and throws it right at Felix's ankles.
Sylvain wheezes in a laugh, and even Dimitri has to press a hand to his own mouth as he watches Felix stumble, not expecting that kind of move. That's all the time Claude needs to whirl around, and he dashes off with a quip tossed over his shoulder. Unfortunately for him, that's the kind of clever cheating nonsense that Felix adores. It may not show as much considering the way Felix curses and gives chase, but Dimitri still knows him that well, at least.
Wiping some mirthful tears from his eyes, Sylvain grins. "I should see if I can't trap Claude into more sparring sessions with Felix... That's a show more than worth the price of admission from him destroying my kneecaps."
"Please give your kneecaps in good health, Sylvain." Taking one of the practice lances up off the wall, handling it delicately, Dimitri turns to Sylvain. "After all, you'll be sparring with me this morning, and so I need you to be able to stay on your feet."
"One of these days, I really am going to trick you into sleeping in once. I don't care if I have to bribe the people who ring the bells."
In the days that come, Sylvain never really gets a chance to bribe anyone. Dimitri would like to say that it's because he keeps him busy, keeps him close, and so there is never any time for him to slip away to get up to any sort of mischief besides silly wagers with Claude over chess or convincing Dedue to keep giving him cooking lessons. However, in truth, it is because the world continues to move on, and with it, things keep happening.
Some of them are pleasant - the shenanigans in the kitchen, the tournaments that keep their attention, Dimitri frantically ducking away from the responsibility of becoming the Heron Cup representative.
Many of them are not.
Flayn's kidnapping.
Remire.
The loss of Captain Jeralt.
All of it feels like the lead up to something, the trek up onto a cliff where one misstep could lead to the tumbling climax. Dimitri can feel it coming in his gut, can feel it almost like the dagger he recognized so instantly on that dreary day is coming straight for his heart.
Sylvain feels it too. On that much, Dimitri is positive. It shows in the way he makes more jokes, smiles more, laughs more. Dimitri isn't sure if he ever noticed it before, that Sylvain turns to humor the more things get worse. To distract them all? To make them smile in turn? Or just to distract his own mind from what is happening? He has no idea, and Dimitri never quite remembers to ask. He's too busy with everything that happens, right up until the day they are to go into the Holy Tomb.
"Do you think you could have a little more power, if you were known as one of the knights who was at the side of a new saint?" Dimitri asks him one day, as they're fetching their lances just in case. It's best to be prepared, the Professor had told them. Best to bring all their equipment, and any steeds that would not mind the dark. And if the best happens, well, they will look dashing.
The best will probably not happen. That is not how this school year has went.
Sylvain snorts, and his smile becomes a little more wry. It's a small detail that Dimitri has come to appreciate, these hints of honest emotion in him. "I could become the next saint myself, and I'd probably still be expected to deal with noble duty," he says, spinning one lance in his hands. "Anyway, I think it's kind of jumping the gun to say that this will happen like Lady Rhea thinks it will happen. Or maybe that's just because our professor has a habit of surprising people."
Except, in the end, it's not the professor who turns out to be the one that surprises them. It's the Imperial army.
It's that painfully familiar face, behind metal that is falling apart to reveal the truth.
After that, things become... indistinct. Blurry, and distant. All he can hear are those nightmares intruding into the waking world, the voices of his father and his mother and Glenn, a cacophony of innocent victims, all demanding that he do what needs to be done. He brushes off Dedue's worries about his sleeping schedule, doesn't listen to Sylvain even when he drops the jokes and asks if he'd like to share a room with him again. Talk deep into the night.
During that one night they'd spent together, Sylvain's voice had quietly pulled his mind away from the sounds of battle that he'll never forget for the rest of his life. He can't bear to hear him now, however.
Then again, he's not entirely sure how much of that is his choice, and how much of it is the roar of voices he hears, recounting their final moments.
Garreg Mach falls.
Sylvain goes back up to Gautier for the necessity of it all, to call back the family's abilities in war to be focused in the opposite direction. Dimitri, in turn, goes to Fhirdiad, to rouse his uncle into some proper action for once and give Dimitri the chance for vengeance he's been searching for all these years.
Instead, he finds a corpse, and, in turn, blame finds him.
Dimitri does not see Sylvain for five long years. He doesn't see much of anyone.