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Church Sourc 11
"Yep." Claude grins at him. "You're getting good at this stuff already. C'mon, let's go see the horses. There's a gated field a little way from the house; it's not too big, but we can leave them to run around in it for a couple hours, stretch their legs." That's entirely the point of the field, of course. Most people likely to come here will have a horse or two they rode in on.
--
There's relief at being told he's doing well, and even more relief at the explanation of what they'll be doing with the horses. "We do not have to ride them, then."
Listen... he knows it's going to happen eventually, because it will have to happen. But still. The base of his tail still aches merely thinking about it.
--
"I mean, we could, but then we'd have to saddle them up, unsaddle them, all that sort of thing. Besides, they deserve the chance to just relax sometimes outside of a stall without people telling them what to do, y'know?" Claude chuckles as he leads Dimitri out of the cabin. "Taking good care of a horse means they should have freedom to enjoy themselves when you're not asking them to do work for you. You've been locked up yourself, so I think you can appreciate that."
--
"They do." And he does. Taking care of them is important merely on being alongside them as other living creatures, in Dimitri's opinion. They've all done such good work.... "They deserve that much." They deserve a lot more, too.
Still, Dimitri hangs back a little bit once they're at the stables, tail shifting back and forth behind him warily. "If we aren't going to ride them, how...?"
--
"We'll put the bridles on so we can lead them there," Claude tells him, already getting Wyvern's down from the peg he hung it on. "Then take them off again once they're in the field. We can leave them hanging on the fence." He grins at Dimitri. "I'll show you how to put on the bridle once I've got Wyvern's on."
--
Wyvern sniffs at Dimitri's hand, then casually nuzzles it with his lips. Claude, who's already busying himself with the bridle, grins at this. "I'm glad I spent enough time in Intsehli lands that he's accustomed to Intseh," he remarks. "I bought the big guy specifically from there, so he'd be totally comfortable with you. I actually had to get him used to the idea of humans a bit."
--
"That you could go so far while still pretending to be on the church's business is... impressive." Dimitri has no idea of how things look like from a map point of view, or has ever experienced it himself. Of course he doesn't. They kidnapped him by magic, not by hand. Still, he understands that it has to have been far.... or he imagines the arguments the church uses against his kind would have to be changed to at least a small degree.
They could probably still say that Intseh are demons with no souls, but it's easy to believe that when the only experience one has is seeing one in the role of the church's executioner.
Dimitri allows Wyvern to nuzzle his fingers for a while, tentatively petting him after a moment. "...Did he... do alright? Adjusting to humans?"
--
"He's still not super friendly with me." Claude laughs. "He doesn't like it much when I ride him, but he tolerates it. Sometimes he still lays his ears back if I don't take my time with him."
--
"I see..." The good news, at least, is that Dimitri was planning to go slow as it was, even if for only his own comfort. That it will be doing both of them a favor is good news. "I will be careful with him, then." That he isn't human doesn't really matter to Dimitri. After all, he's pretty sure his inexperience will test the horse's experience well enough.
Making sure to step out of Claude's way, Dimitri peers into the adjacent stall. "...Good morning as well."
--
The big horse blinks idly at Dimitri. Then - surprisingly - it walks over, pushing its head over the stall door and into Dimitri's space. Maybe it's predicting a treat; maybe it's just accustomed to Intseh greeting it or fussing over it in the morning, and wants the company. Maybe it's just trying to make Dimitri nervous. It could be anything. He seems mellow enough, though.
--
He's definitely going to come up with a good and proper name for this horse. Dimitri offers his hand much like he did with Wyvern, tail thrashing about at the very tip in quiet anxiety. "What made you think of the name Wyvern?" he asks Claude, carefully going to pet it much like he did last name.
--
"Mm?" Claude is preoccupied fastening Wyvern's bridle; there's some fiddly straps. "Oh. There's some old accounts - supposedly historical ones - that say that Almyrans used to ride wyverns into battle."
--
The idea of Claude riding a real flesh and blood wyvern makes his mouth twitch a little bit, an almost smile. "I feel if you had a wyvern of that sort, then the church would have even more to worry about with you." His palms rub along his own horse's neck, going for some pets. "I.... was thinking of something related to some Intsehli tales as well... I would like to make sure it is not too much of a burden for him."
--
The horse seems to be enjoying this, leaning into Dimitri's hand somewhat. Claude, meanwhile, laughs. "While you're not wrong, I put in a lot of work to make sure that me having a giant flying lizard to fly into battle would be only slightly more worrying for them than my existence already is."
He glances over at Dimitri. "So what were you thinking of?"
--
"Now imagine all that work with a large flying creature that possesses sharp teeth." A soft huff of laughter leaves him. What a mental image. "And... it was a hero I remember being told tales of. Is that too much responsibility, do you think?" This is perhaps more worry than should really be put into naming a horse, but that isn't stopping Dimitri. Names are important to Intseh... and a hundred times moreso to one who has been pulled away from his own people with this being the first time he's been giving the responsibility.
--
"He's a horse. I guarantee you, the first time he lets off a massive string of farts while you're riding him, you're going to be less worried about his feelings of responsibility for the name and more worried about whether the name's dignity can survive being attached to him." Claude grins sidelong at Dimitri. "Horses only look dignified. Sometimes. But they're just big ridiculous animals, as are we all...hey!"
This last bit is to Wyvern, who either is feeling mischievous for no particular reason or senses his race is being maligned, and is trying to catch that long hair on the side of Claude's face that is normally braided with his lips. Maybe he objects to the braid's not being there.
--
Dimitri does not seem even vaguely surprised by this, and just continues petting his horse. "He knew you were talking of him," he says simply, turning his head so that he can better watch Claude's struggles against his own horses. "This is why I am respectful as possible. My ears are far more easy to bite, after all." He's only partially serious, trying not to smile as Claude avoids Wyvern's teeth.
--
Claude bursts out laughing. He'd been hoping to make Dimitri laugh, but this works out too. "You took what I told that kid about respect to heart, huh?" He pushes Wyvern's head away. "Don't worry, no horse raised around Intseh is going to bite their ears. Pretty sure that'd be frowned on in the act of training them." Or, rather, Claude doesn't know this for sure, but it seems entirely logical to assume horses would be strongly encouraged not to do that sort of thing when trained by Intseh.
"Anyway, this is just Wyvern being a brat. I was talking about the big guy, not him."
He's finally got Wyvern's bridle on, so he leaves his rude horse to walk over to the other stall. "Ready to see how to put it on?"
--
"I remember everything you say." Fortunately for Claude, that sentence is left as is instead of waxing immediately into the more romantic. Granted, part of that is because Dimitri eagerly retrieves his own horse's bridle with a careful hold while looking to Claude for instruction. Not only is he eager to learn even more outside of the church, but, well... He wants to do right by this horse.
Putting on a bridle while in possession of claws is the most difficult part of the whole thing, frankly. They're not in the way for the more broad actions, such as wiping clean the horse's face, or sliding on the bridle itself, but more exact things... take some doing. It really is good that this one was raised amongst Intseh; the clumsiness seems to be expected in some areas from someone so inexperienced.
After a lot of clumsy fiddling with the straps and checking in with Claude on anything missed, Dimitri steps away with shoulders slumping. "You... make it look far more easy than how it is when I actually do it."
--
"That's because I've done it a hundred times. It'll be easy for you too once you're used to it." Claude pats Dimitri's shoulder. "Now, you've got the reins, so go ahead and open the stall door. You'll hardly have to urge him to follow you; he probably wants to get moving."
--
"Does he know where to go?" Because Dimitri certainly doesn't. Still, he reaches curls the reins loosely around one hand while opening the door with the other. He's doing his best to be relaxed but, well, the way his tail is flicking shows he's not entirely confident about this still.
--
"No, but he'll stop once he's outside the stable unless you give him some direction where to go." Claude's moved back over to Wyvern, taking his reins again and opening his stall door. Wyvern immediately takes the opportunity to start shoving his head into Claude's face again, which gets some more laughter from Claude as he fends him off.
--
Pausing by his horse's side, Dimitri watches the shenanigans with some faint amusement before something occurs to him and he looks between both pairs of riders and horses. Oh. "He's rather like you, isn't he?" he asks, carefully walking alongside his own horse to the exit. "Wyvern, I mean to say.
--
"What, a nosy, mischievous brat?" Claude chuckles as he follows after Dimitri. "You're not wrong."
Claude hasn't missed the parallels between the two of them and their horses, which Dimitri may just now be noticing.
--
"I would never have put it that way," Dimitri protests, waiting outside and looking around his horse to wait for Claude to lead the way. "But certainly...." Hold on, now he has to think of how he would describe the similarities.
--
Claude moves past Dimitri, leading Wyvern through the trees. The field isn't far; Dimitri may already be able to glimpse the fence, now that he sees where Claude is going. "Certainly what?" he teases.
--
This feels like a trap he accidentally made for himself and then walked straight into. That's... more than a little bit embarrassing. Dimitri wracks his brain as he follows after Claude, looking out towards the fields as they begin to come into view. "Certainly... very teasing."
There. S... .saved. He thinks.
--
Claude snickers. "Soooo...basically what I said the first time?"
He's already reached the fence. He goes to the gate, opening it and leading Wyvern in. Then he sets about unfastening his bridle. He's not worried about Wyvern dashing off for the open gate or anything - besides, Dimitri will have gotten his horse in and closed the gate again before Claude even finishes getting the bridle off.
--
"It is different." By technicalities, it is different. Still, it counts. Making sure his horse is well out of the way, Dimitri closes the gate behind them and makes sure it is locked. Faintly, he's reminded of the anxious way his handlers would check it after every execution in the same manner.... It's enough to make him pause a little bit, the memories catching up to him, before he snaps out of it.
This is different. There's nothing to stop any of them from leaving. The only ones putting them in or out are themselves.
With both of them in, Dimitri looks to see what Claude is doing before he follows suit with his own. Undoing the bridle is a little tricky, but no more than just putting it on in the first place, and at least knowing the start process means he can sort of go backwards from there.
...give him a second, he's going to get it.
"If there are fences... Why not let them stay out here, instead of in the stables?"
--
"A number of reasons. We can give them better food in the stable than they can graze out here. The stables are protected from the weather, and warm; it's already getting kind of chilly at night this time of the year." Claude pulls Wyvern's bridle off of hi completely. "The stable's safer, too. I'm not expecting wolves or bears this near a decently traveled road, but you can't guarantee it. And there's always thieves, too - horses are valuable. It'd be harder for thieves to even know the horses are here in the stables, and to get them out without us realizing it if they did realize they were there." He slings the bridle over his shoulder and smiles at Dimitri. "They'll be fine out here for hours, but it's generally best not to leave them here overnight."
--
"That makes sense..." Dimitri isn't sure he could stand being in such spaces so much... but then, he has to remind himself, they aren't in those all the time, as evidenced by right now. Counting in how much Claude travels....
It takes much longer for Dimitri to pick his horse's bridle off, but he does manage, eventually. Stepping back to give him plenty of room, Dimitri looks out towards the field. "So we just wait now, then?"
--
"We can go back to the cabin and let them relax." Claude's already heading for the gate. "They don't need supervision or anything; I made sure they got familiar with each other on my journey back to the monastery with the big guy, so they're not going to bother each other. They'll be fine."
Indeed, Wyvern is already snorting and doing little running spurts around the field, seemingly enjoying his freedom; Dimitri's horse is watching this with interest.
--
Following with some hesitation, Dimitri constantly looks back to where he's left his horse, even pausing on the other side of the fence with his tail flicking restlessly. "...Then I hope they enjoy themselves." Right behind Claude again, Dimitri tries to recount things.
"There's nothing else, then, correct?"
--
Claude hangs Wyvern's bridle on the fence. "Just one more quick thing - there's a water trough in the field for them. We need to fill it with a couple buckets of water from the rain barrel. Then they're set."
--
Dimitri's ears perk up. "....Do you have multiple buckets?"
--
"Just the one, unfortunately." Claude chuckles. "We'll have to make two trips."
--
Aaaand down they lower again. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't hoping to.... show off? Is that even the right word? Certainly impress or, well. Something along those lines. Still. "If there's only one, then I can do it."
--
"If you want to," Claude agrees. "You're definitely stronger than me." He notes the movement of those ears, however. "What's wrong, though?"
--
There's a brief moment where Claude can clearly see Dimitri wondering to himself why he has to be so obvious, eye going a little wide before he glances aside in mild embarrassment. "It was nothing. I was.... merely hoping to look good in front of you."
--
Claude looks decidedly pleased by this. "Well, why can't you? I can come with you while you carry the water, if you want..."
--
"I don't think it will have quite the same effect.... And I would be making you walk with me for nothing." That he's still interested regardless is nice knowledge to have, however.
--
"Quite the same effect?" Claude cocks an eyebrow. "What were you planning on doing if we'd had two buckets, exactly?"
--
Dimitri's tail begins to twitch wildly. "It is nothing... vulgar. Just... It looks better... to show off strength, doesn't it?"
--
"Yeah, but how is this different than what you would've done otherwise?" Claude is deeply curious now.
-
"I- Nothing, I suppose, I would simply..." Well. It sure seems kind of silly when he says it out loud, and Dimitri clasps one hand in the other for lack of any idea of what he should be doing here. "...Thought I could offer to take it off your hands... and it would... You know." He flounders a little.
All he really wanted to do was look nice in front of Claude, and then life up two things some level of heavy for him. It's... not exactly the most mature way of flirting, but then again it's not like he even knows that. All Dimitri knows are cheesy but utterly sincere compliments, and some of Claude's kinks.
--
Claude grins, stepping close to Dimitri so that they're practically chest to chest. "Tell you what," he says, eyes full of that dangerously sly look that Dimitri is going to learn both to get excited for and dread at the same time. "How about I carry the bucket, and you carry me?"
--
When Claude steps so close, Dimitri's hands leave one another to instead light carefully along Claude's chest just on instinct- the more mild kind. "Oh," he says quietly, looking down into those glittering green eyes. "Now you are interested in being carried." Around their legs, his tail flicks around to curl near Claude's calf.
--
"I was never not interested," Claude replies, leaning up a little, further into Dimitri's space. If he has to be on tiptoes to do so, so be it. "But since we don't have enough buckets for you to flirt with me the way you hoped to, I thought I'd offer an alternative..."
--
"It seems that you'd much like to be carried right now." His claws scrape down along the front of Claude's light leather, following the curve of his body down to his waist.
--
"Mostly I just want to be shamelessly flirted with by you in just about any way you'd care to name, but I'd be lying if I said your carrying me specifically lacked appeal." Claude smirks. "What about you? Do you want to carry me?"
--
"I want to touch you always." Which is... certainly a way to put it. Still, if Claude is going to stay this close, Dimitri uses his other hand to slip around Claude's back. "...I believe we went to fetch the horses for a reason."
--
"We did," Claude murmurs. "But before we let us distract ourselves too much...let's get them the water." He reluctantly lets himself settle back on his heels. He'll feel like a heel himself if he gets wrapped up in Dimitri while the horses have nothing to drink for...however long they'll be preoccupied for. Probably awhile.
--
"So should I hold off on carrying you in case you get distracted more?" It's cute when Claude gets disappointed like this, and- with a few hesitant stutter-stops- Dimitri raises his hand to push some curls from Claude's face.
--
"Oh, no, we can still do that." Claude winks at him. "I'd just better get the water before we forget the whole point of the exercise, right?"
--
"If you're certain." Finally, he removes his hands from Claude's person, even as ever tempting as the other man is at any given time. "Then... where is the bucket actually stored? Near the rain barrel?"
--
"Yeah, c'mon." Claude begins walking in that direction immediately; he can feel his self-control eroding, can tell Dimitri's is dissolving as well, and he wants to get this last chore done with as soon as possible. Then...it doesn't matter what they do.
-
As soon as Claude is out of reach, Dimitri wants to pull him close again, and it takes some effort to simply follow after instead of doing that. This is actually the first time he's had to deal with the rain barrel himself personally. Watching the process helps to distract him, a little, but it's not particularly complicated.
What might be a bit moreso is.... "Are you sure you'll be able to keep that from spilling when I lift you?"
--
"I was thinking you'd pick me up first, then I can take the bucket." Claude's filling the bucket as he speaks. "You're right that it'd probably be hard to keep from spilling if I was holding it while you lifted me."
--
"....Am I going to dip you?" This is certainly an interesting image Dimitri is getting, although he suspects that it's not at all how things will happen truly.
--
Claude glances at Dimitri, blinking, and then laughs. "Not quite how I was picturing it in my head, no...more like you crouching down so I can grab it while I'm in your arms. Although if you can think of a logical way to pull your idea off..."
--
"No, no- yours makes more sense." He scratches lightly along the side of his jaw. "I feel as though I would drop you my way...."
--
Claude grins as he sets the bucket down on the ground, turning to face Dimitri. "You know, for someone who probably never considered anything remotely romantic for most of his life, you're taking to romance like a duck to water."
--
Having it called out for what it is when they've never really... addressed what is between them- really they've done everything but address it- makes Dimitri pause, fingers curled at his neck. "I.... would not say that. There is something that... I have neglected to do, for a true romance. A proper one." He nods his head down towards the bucket.
"....But that may be another distraction."
--
Claude glances at the bucket, then at Dimitri. "We're going to go water the horses," he says, after a pause. "But then, I absolutely expect to hear what you've neglected to do." He grins a little. "Maybe you can even make up for the neglect on your part."
--
Dimitri's stare goes directly to Claude. "I always want to make up for my neglect of you," he says, quiet and serious.
But afterwards, as Claude said, and he lowers both hands to his sides. "Are you ready, then?"
--
Claude almost says, on reflex - and in complete confusion - 'what neglect?', but he catches himself at the last second. That way lies distraction. He's never found it so hard to stay on task as right now, which makes it all the more imperative that they do so before they forget what they're supposed to be doing completely.
He steps closer to Dimitri. "More than ready," he says, with his most charming smile. Delayed gratification might be torture, but he won't suffer alone.
--
For a moment, Dimitri pauses as he surveys the two of them. Lifting a person isn't an entirely foreign idea to him, although often for extremely different reasons than this.... and with very different circumstances. Different ways as well. Still, he has an idea of how to do it, and so shifts his position.
One arm curls around Claude's back, bracing him as much as it is guiding his movements, and the other goes into place right at the bend of his knees. Despite anything else Dimitri might have doubts about, he knows about the physical, because his movements are smooth and decisive as he scoops Claude right into his arms and into a proper bridal carry.
--
Claude snakes an arm promptly around Dimitri's neck, smiling at him through the butterflies. "Exactly," he says. "Now just crouch down enough for me to grab the bucket."
--
"Tell me if it gets to be too uncomfortable..." None of this has to be done this way, after all. They're just... There's a brief flicker of a smile on Dimitri's face as he draws down into a crouch.
They're just being rather silly. It's funny. Nice.
--
They really are. This whole thing is ridiculous, and largely inconvenient, and Claude knows it. But it's fun, and flirty, and it's making them both happy, so as far as Claude's concerned, it's worth it.
Claude awkwardly manages to lift the bucket into his lap one-handed - not easy when it's heavy with water, but even as secure as he feels in Dimitri's hold, he's not sure he wouldn't overbalance himself or both of them if he didn't keep his other arm around Dimitri's neck.
"The fun part is that we get to do this twice," he says, with amusement.
--
"We don't have to do it twice," Dimitri reminds him as he carefully straightens up. "We technically did not need to do it once."
And yet they do. Twice. That's more than enough for the horse's trough in the field, with only some minor wobbling on either of their part. It's not the heaviest thing Dimitri has ever had to deal with, although a bucket of water really is a lot. When the second bucketful of water is deposited, he even seems to hold Claude all the closet as they return back to the cabin. "Have 'fun', then?"
--
Claude laughs. "I usually do. What about you?" He grins up at Dimitri. "Do you feel like you got to show off to me sufficiently?"
--
A few bits of tall grass get smacked about by Dimitri's flicking tail. "It wasn't the way I was planning, so I can't say.... But I like holding onto you like this." Just keeping him close, fingers curling against Claude's body. Pausing at the doorway, he lets Claude get the door knob. His hands are.... full.
--
Claude opens the door for them. "I like being held by you, come to that." He glances at Dimitri. "But don't think I'm not waiting to hear just what you've neglected with me, because I really can't think of much of anything."
--
Trust Claude to never forget a single thing said. Well... It was never as though Dimitri planned to avoid the conversation. All he does is close the door behind them with his foot, before he continues to cart Claude through the cabin... and to the bed. Not for any vulgar reasons, merely to carefully deposit Claude down onto the mattress.
"It's..." He glances down at the ground, finding the words before he looks up at Claude again. "What I did... was very backwards. Back when we first....." Nevermind, he doesn't have the words, and takes a second to continue. "When we touched."
--
Claude swings his legs off the bed as soon as Dimitri gently deposits him there, if only so he can face Dimitri where he's sitting. He listens to Dimitri - probably more closely than the other man was expecting, too, because Claude's intellect lets him leap ahead several steps in the conversation.
"Wait..." He looks somewhat surprised, somewhat amused, and thoroughly charmed. "Are you going to tell me that this is about you feeling guilty that we did sex things before you'd courted me properly?"
--
....Claude is far too smart, and Dimitri supposes he can only be thankful that this has meant they've skipped some awkward lead up steps in this conversation. That the conversation is still going to be awkward no matter what, at least on Dimitri's end, is something that can't be helped.
His ears lower again, tail going nervously still. "I.... Not courting necessarily, but.." He curls one hand over the other, which has formed an anxious fist. "...We never discussed such things. It only... happened."
--
"Well, that's not something you have to feel solely guilty for. As I recall, that was kind of a mutual enterprise, right? So if you wanted us to talk it over, then the failure's as much mine as yours that it didn't happen." Claude folds his hands behind his head, leaning back slightly as he looks up at Dimitri. "In any case, we can't go back and redo things...but there's no time like the present, right? What did you want to talk about?"
--
"You did leave for a week before immediately breaking me free, so I cannot say your priorities were misplaced." His priorities are mostly to thank for them being able to have this conversation, after all. Still, as he looks down at Claude, Dimitri can't help but reflect on everything that's changed so rapidly... in general. Between the two of them. Even individually.
Perhaps it's best to begin at the start. "When you first began to visit me... I attempted to chase you away, one night, by saying that us knowing one another would either end in my killing you if you were ever caught, or in you watching me die as is the fate of any executioner." His thumb traces the curve of his knuckle. "And I thought... both would be miserable endings, unbefitting of how much I had cared for you when I was younger. Of the kindness you'd shown me."
His head tilts to the side slightly. "Similar thoughts occurred to me after that act, when you were gone for so long and it was only myself again, alone with my thoughts. There was... no denying my feelings had changed considering how much we had interacted since then. I accepted you more in my life there, and wanted to so. I was... fonder." A slow exhale.
"Enough to wonder.... if that was good enough, what I had given you with that act. Not-" He tenses up a little bit. "Not the act itself. I... personally liked it very much."
Claude's hands are too good, and that's yet another sin to add to the list.
"But, rather... I know, in theory, that there didn't need to be anything more than that. However, I was left wondering if that was all I could give you.... not only from my own capabilities, but our circumstances as well. I was adjusting to the idea of little bits of pleasure, of happiness, amidst my own misery, thanks to your visits.... But it didn't feel right, to only offer that much, with what I felt were inevitable endings." Of either of their deaths weighing on the other.
"But now, the circumstances... have changed. Now, I can no longer rely on the bars of my cage as a reason, or an excuse. Among the many things I have had to wonder about.... One has been what I can give you, and what I should. I know you said that I shouldn't try to do too much, to think too much, and let things happen slowly, at their speed.... But I cannot help it. Especially when I look at you-" His hands separate, so that he can reach over to lightly touch Claude's cheek. "-and find myself wanting so much."
--
Claude studies Dimitri thoughtfully as the man speaks. Dimitri's formality of speech is one thing, although Claude is as good as anyone can be at cutting through the frills of the words to get to the meat of them; however, in this case he feels as if the obstacles to his understanding come from Dimitri padding his words with both restatements of the same ideas, and some ideas that really aren't that important.
"I think you might be complicating things too much, Dimitri," he says lightly. "Instead of wracking your brain thinking about what you're able to give me, or should give me...shouldn't you just worry about what it is you want to give me?" He leans into that gentle touch to his face. "And, for that matter, what you want from me in return. Because that's what I want to give you...and I don't want things from you that you don't want to give me. So I think what we want here is probably all that's really relevant."
--
"You're right.... I simply..." It's hard not to go off again, his nerves on edge, and he rubs the pad of his thumb along Claude's skin. "...I'm worried. Life suddenly feels... equal worry and joy. Is it foolish to be more worked up when it's like that?"
--
"Not really. There's more to be worked up about, for instance. And different things to get worked up about." Claude gazes at Dimitri. "But that was kind of a question, you know. One you didn't answer. What do you want from me? And what do you want to give me?"
--
"I.... " His thumb pauses, starting to curl into his hand again before he realizes his claw is sliding along Claude's cheek and he stops. "...That's what I'm worried about. Because what I want to give you.... I don't feel as though I should, yet. Yet I want... all of you." His chin tilts down, looking away. "That is selfish, isn't it?"
--
"What is it that you want to give me, exactly?" Claude asks, more patiently than he feels. He wants to know. "And why don't you feel you should give it to me?"
--
"I...." It's hard to say. He's dealt with broken bones, and those felt easier. Why? Dimitri can't bring himself to meet Claude's gaze, his heart in his throat, his mind- wanting to go elsewhere. Anywhere. He closes his eye, letting out a slow shuddering breath. Fighting the urge to run, both physically and mentally, takes him a moment. If not for Claude's presence, still felt at his fingertips, he feels he would have lost to it.
"...I want... to love you." He bows his head further, hair falling around his face. "But it's- I was forgetting my own language. There were words I could not remember until you returned and I heard them from your lips. What if this is something I have forgotten? That I am getting wrong, and mangling? And you.... You do not deserve that. You deserve... the best I can offer to you."
--
Claude turns his head to press a kiss to Dimitri's palm. The soft pads of his hand feel warm and texturally interesting beneath his lips. "First things first," he murmurs. "I think you've been loving me already. Practically everything you've done since we got here has been romantic, Dimitri. Even if trying to hold off on that had a point, I don't think you could. And since I've enjoyed every second of it, I don't know why you ought to feel guilty about it, either."
He glances at Dimitri sidelong, head still turned so that his lips are brushing Dimitri's hand with just about every word. "Also...there's no ultimate best anyone can do. My best today might not be as good as my best tomorrow, but it'll probably be better than my best yesterday. All anyone can ever do is their best at the time and the place where they are. None of us will ever reach perfection, so there's no point in growing old waiting to reach it before you let yourself live."
--
Feeling the way Claude moves his lips against his hands is the one anchor Dimitri has to anything, eye closed as it is, curled in on himself as he is. "But is that right?" he asks quietly, as though scared for the answer. "I want to make you happy, and I... I am work."
Dimitri doesn't laugh in the same way Claude laughs- laughter meant to hide, obscure, strained from the effort of it all. It's just a quiet and desolate little sound, short lived, understanding that he's made such an understatement that it's almost offensive and he doesn't know what other sound to make.
"I... just want to be certain, when I give you that declaration. I want to be... confident, I suppose. It means too much to be half hearted. It doesn't have to be perfection in order to be that, does it...?" Slowly, he opens his eye and dares to look up just barely at Claude. "It maybe merely be me overthinking things again..."
--
"Dimitri, you've never done anything half-hearted in all your life." Claude looks up at him with fond amusement. "And you're worth whatever effort or difficulties come with you, because I love you."
He, at least, has confidence saying that. Not necessarily confidence that it's enough, or worthy, or whatever it is Dimitri is panicking over; just confidence in what he feels.
"Trust me, there's no one who's so perfect that they don't come with some work required. Things have just been a little stilted between us because of the circumstances. I've got my own flaws and insufficiencies, but either you haven't seen them or they're barely noticeable next to those of the other people you've known. But eventually, when you get more used to living a free life and meet more people, you'll see the bad parts of me - and I hope you'll still love me anyway. That the good and the bad are a package deal you still want to take. That's what love is. If you love mountain-climbing, you don't just love reaching the top or the view at the peak - you even love the struggles and challenges of getting there. Otherwise, why would you do it?"
--
Hearing those words from Claude is... Dimitri wonders if this is how Claude feels, that swelling feeling in his chest as though something will break and leak out through the gaps in his ribs, his chest. He pushes forward closer without thinking, pressing his face down against Claude's neck.
"I've never gone mountain climbing, so..." It's a joke. Well, an attempt at one; Dimitri's voice sounds weak even to his ears when he finally gets it to work. Three words have undone him so completely.... Three words that he hasn't heard in so long, that he didn't realize would make him ache so much. He experiences so much when he's around Claude... How can he pinpoint exactly what love is, amongst all those different emotions? (That the answer is that they all compose it is one he hasn't learned, not just yet.) "...But some of your flaws, I think I know. You've told me some of them... haven't you?"
--
"I have, yeah." Claude chuckles. "And I think I've demonstrated some of them to you, too. But I don't think they bother you now as much as they might bother you later on, when you're more accustomed to things being good for you. Like I said, how can my bad qualities even register compared to the shit you've been used to?" He lifts a hand to stroke fingers through Dimitri's hair.
"If you don't want to say it yet, for whatever reason, you don't have to." Claude turns his head to press a kiss to Dimitri's temple. "It's not like you're leaving me in any doubt of how much you care about me without those specific words. No one's ever cared about me as deeply or as obviously as you do."
--
"I want to say it. I think I.... scare myself away from it." He turns his head to the side, nose nuzzling against Claude's neck. "Because I want to make it... good. I haven't made many good things, or done good things."
--
"Not for lack of wanting to so much as lack of opportunity, right?" Claude murmurs, tilting his head a little to give Dimitri more neck to nuzzle. "But I promise you, there's no way telling me that you love me could ever be not amazing."
--
"That makes it sound as though I am not trying..." His nose and mouth continue along Claude's skin, lips brushing at his jaw. Without thinking about it, Dimitri is learning forward all the more against Claude's body. "And I want to try very much."
--
"You didn't have any say in your lack of opportunity, so how could it be because you didn't try?" Claude's arms slide around Dimitri. "But nothing's stopping you from doing anything anymore."
--
"Only myself." Before he knows it, the bed is sinking beneath their combined weight once again, and Dimitri pushes himself up just enough to look down to Claude. He still, as always, looks so amazing. "I want to try more.... Even if there is no doubt between us. Allow me... to make my declaration to you properly?" He leans down once more, his hair framing both their faces as he presses their foreheads togheter.
--
Those sharp ears of Dimitri's will probably hear the way Claude's breath catches. His eyes are locked on Dimitri's face - either searching it for something or memorizing what he already sees there, it's hard to tell. "Not that you need to ask my permission," he murmurs, "but you've got it."
--
The fear is still pounding in his chest, chains and shackles all leading back miles and miles to the church, to his cage. What if he's not doing it right? What if he's gotten it all wrong? What if he can't love properly, shouldn't love properly? He feels as though he might suffocate from it all, as though whips are wound tight around his throat again to try and drag him back.
But Claude.... is right here still.
Here, looking up at him with those brilliant green eyes that search out whatever he wants. Here, holding onto him tighter than the chains that kept him. Here, having already said so much....
Dimitri closes his eye for a brief moment before forcing it open again; this is too important for him to hide from no matter how it would make him feel better. Here, like this, he's reminded of exactly why he's come to feel this way for Claude, and that's enough to help push the words out from where they've been lodged in his chest.
"I love you."
Just like that, it feels as though something breaks, and he needs to go forward, lips lighting softly against Claude's own. "I love you," he breathes again, feeling as though he's taken that first step outside again and his body wants to just- go, to keep moving, keep running, only this time it's not without a destination.
He wants to go to Claude.
--
There's relief at being told he's doing well, and even more relief at the explanation of what they'll be doing with the horses. "We do not have to ride them, then."
Listen... he knows it's going to happen eventually, because it will have to happen. But still. The base of his tail still aches merely thinking about it.
--
"I mean, we could, but then we'd have to saddle them up, unsaddle them, all that sort of thing. Besides, they deserve the chance to just relax sometimes outside of a stall without people telling them what to do, y'know?" Claude chuckles as he leads Dimitri out of the cabin. "Taking good care of a horse means they should have freedom to enjoy themselves when you're not asking them to do work for you. You've been locked up yourself, so I think you can appreciate that."
--
"They do." And he does. Taking care of them is important merely on being alongside them as other living creatures, in Dimitri's opinion. They've all done such good work.... "They deserve that much." They deserve a lot more, too.
Still, Dimitri hangs back a little bit once they're at the stables, tail shifting back and forth behind him warily. "If we aren't going to ride them, how...?"
--
"We'll put the bridles on so we can lead them there," Claude tells him, already getting Wyvern's down from the peg he hung it on. "Then take them off again once they're in the field. We can leave them hanging on the fence." He grins at Dimitri. "I'll show you how to put on the bridle once I've got Wyvern's on."
--
Wyvern sniffs at Dimitri's hand, then casually nuzzles it with his lips. Claude, who's already busying himself with the bridle, grins at this. "I'm glad I spent enough time in Intsehli lands that he's accustomed to Intseh," he remarks. "I bought the big guy specifically from there, so he'd be totally comfortable with you. I actually had to get him used to the idea of humans a bit."
--
"That you could go so far while still pretending to be on the church's business is... impressive." Dimitri has no idea of how things look like from a map point of view, or has ever experienced it himself. Of course he doesn't. They kidnapped him by magic, not by hand. Still, he understands that it has to have been far.... or he imagines the arguments the church uses against his kind would have to be changed to at least a small degree.
They could probably still say that Intseh are demons with no souls, but it's easy to believe that when the only experience one has is seeing one in the role of the church's executioner.
Dimitri allows Wyvern to nuzzle his fingers for a while, tentatively petting him after a moment. "...Did he... do alright? Adjusting to humans?"
--
"He's still not super friendly with me." Claude laughs. "He doesn't like it much when I ride him, but he tolerates it. Sometimes he still lays his ears back if I don't take my time with him."
--
"I see..." The good news, at least, is that Dimitri was planning to go slow as it was, even if for only his own comfort. That it will be doing both of them a favor is good news. "I will be careful with him, then." That he isn't human doesn't really matter to Dimitri. After all, he's pretty sure his inexperience will test the horse's experience well enough.
Making sure to step out of Claude's way, Dimitri peers into the adjacent stall. "...Good morning as well."
--
The big horse blinks idly at Dimitri. Then - surprisingly - it walks over, pushing its head over the stall door and into Dimitri's space. Maybe it's predicting a treat; maybe it's just accustomed to Intseh greeting it or fussing over it in the morning, and wants the company. Maybe it's just trying to make Dimitri nervous. It could be anything. He seems mellow enough, though.
--
He's definitely going to come up with a good and proper name for this horse. Dimitri offers his hand much like he did with Wyvern, tail thrashing about at the very tip in quiet anxiety. "What made you think of the name Wyvern?" he asks Claude, carefully going to pet it much like he did last name.
--
"Mm?" Claude is preoccupied fastening Wyvern's bridle; there's some fiddly straps. "Oh. There's some old accounts - supposedly historical ones - that say that Almyrans used to ride wyverns into battle."
--
The idea of Claude riding a real flesh and blood wyvern makes his mouth twitch a little bit, an almost smile. "I feel if you had a wyvern of that sort, then the church would have even more to worry about with you." His palms rub along his own horse's neck, going for some pets. "I.... was thinking of something related to some Intsehli tales as well... I would like to make sure it is not too much of a burden for him."
--
The horse seems to be enjoying this, leaning into Dimitri's hand somewhat. Claude, meanwhile, laughs. "While you're not wrong, I put in a lot of work to make sure that me having a giant flying lizard to fly into battle would be only slightly more worrying for them than my existence already is."
He glances over at Dimitri. "So what were you thinking of?"
--
"Now imagine all that work with a large flying creature that possesses sharp teeth." A soft huff of laughter leaves him. What a mental image. "And... it was a hero I remember being told tales of. Is that too much responsibility, do you think?" This is perhaps more worry than should really be put into naming a horse, but that isn't stopping Dimitri. Names are important to Intseh... and a hundred times moreso to one who has been pulled away from his own people with this being the first time he's been giving the responsibility.
--
"He's a horse. I guarantee you, the first time he lets off a massive string of farts while you're riding him, you're going to be less worried about his feelings of responsibility for the name and more worried about whether the name's dignity can survive being attached to him." Claude grins sidelong at Dimitri. "Horses only look dignified. Sometimes. But they're just big ridiculous animals, as are we all...hey!"
This last bit is to Wyvern, who either is feeling mischievous for no particular reason or senses his race is being maligned, and is trying to catch that long hair on the side of Claude's face that is normally braided with his lips. Maybe he objects to the braid's not being there.
--
Dimitri does not seem even vaguely surprised by this, and just continues petting his horse. "He knew you were talking of him," he says simply, turning his head so that he can better watch Claude's struggles against his own horses. "This is why I am respectful as possible. My ears are far more easy to bite, after all." He's only partially serious, trying not to smile as Claude avoids Wyvern's teeth.
--
Claude bursts out laughing. He'd been hoping to make Dimitri laugh, but this works out too. "You took what I told that kid about respect to heart, huh?" He pushes Wyvern's head away. "Don't worry, no horse raised around Intseh is going to bite their ears. Pretty sure that'd be frowned on in the act of training them." Or, rather, Claude doesn't know this for sure, but it seems entirely logical to assume horses would be strongly encouraged not to do that sort of thing when trained by Intseh.
"Anyway, this is just Wyvern being a brat. I was talking about the big guy, not him."
He's finally got Wyvern's bridle on, so he leaves his rude horse to walk over to the other stall. "Ready to see how to put it on?"
--
"I remember everything you say." Fortunately for Claude, that sentence is left as is instead of waxing immediately into the more romantic. Granted, part of that is because Dimitri eagerly retrieves his own horse's bridle with a careful hold while looking to Claude for instruction. Not only is he eager to learn even more outside of the church, but, well... He wants to do right by this horse.
Putting on a bridle while in possession of claws is the most difficult part of the whole thing, frankly. They're not in the way for the more broad actions, such as wiping clean the horse's face, or sliding on the bridle itself, but more exact things... take some doing. It really is good that this one was raised amongst Intseh; the clumsiness seems to be expected in some areas from someone so inexperienced.
After a lot of clumsy fiddling with the straps and checking in with Claude on anything missed, Dimitri steps away with shoulders slumping. "You... make it look far more easy than how it is when I actually do it."
--
"That's because I've done it a hundred times. It'll be easy for you too once you're used to it." Claude pats Dimitri's shoulder. "Now, you've got the reins, so go ahead and open the stall door. You'll hardly have to urge him to follow you; he probably wants to get moving."
--
"Does he know where to go?" Because Dimitri certainly doesn't. Still, he reaches curls the reins loosely around one hand while opening the door with the other. He's doing his best to be relaxed but, well, the way his tail is flicking shows he's not entirely confident about this still.
--
"No, but he'll stop once he's outside the stable unless you give him some direction where to go." Claude's moved back over to Wyvern, taking his reins again and opening his stall door. Wyvern immediately takes the opportunity to start shoving his head into Claude's face again, which gets some more laughter from Claude as he fends him off.
--
Pausing by his horse's side, Dimitri watches the shenanigans with some faint amusement before something occurs to him and he looks between both pairs of riders and horses. Oh. "He's rather like you, isn't he?" he asks, carefully walking alongside his own horse to the exit. "Wyvern, I mean to say.
--
"What, a nosy, mischievous brat?" Claude chuckles as he follows after Dimitri. "You're not wrong."
Claude hasn't missed the parallels between the two of them and their horses, which Dimitri may just now be noticing.
--
"I would never have put it that way," Dimitri protests, waiting outside and looking around his horse to wait for Claude to lead the way. "But certainly...." Hold on, now he has to think of how he would describe the similarities.
--
Claude moves past Dimitri, leading Wyvern through the trees. The field isn't far; Dimitri may already be able to glimpse the fence, now that he sees where Claude is going. "Certainly what?" he teases.
--
This feels like a trap he accidentally made for himself and then walked straight into. That's... more than a little bit embarrassing. Dimitri wracks his brain as he follows after Claude, looking out towards the fields as they begin to come into view. "Certainly... very teasing."
There. S... .saved. He thinks.
--
Claude snickers. "Soooo...basically what I said the first time?"
He's already reached the fence. He goes to the gate, opening it and leading Wyvern in. Then he sets about unfastening his bridle. He's not worried about Wyvern dashing off for the open gate or anything - besides, Dimitri will have gotten his horse in and closed the gate again before Claude even finishes getting the bridle off.
--
"It is different." By technicalities, it is different. Still, it counts. Making sure his horse is well out of the way, Dimitri closes the gate behind them and makes sure it is locked. Faintly, he's reminded of the anxious way his handlers would check it after every execution in the same manner.... It's enough to make him pause a little bit, the memories catching up to him, before he snaps out of it.
This is different. There's nothing to stop any of them from leaving. The only ones putting them in or out are themselves.
With both of them in, Dimitri looks to see what Claude is doing before he follows suit with his own. Undoing the bridle is a little tricky, but no more than just putting it on in the first place, and at least knowing the start process means he can sort of go backwards from there.
...give him a second, he's going to get it.
"If there are fences... Why not let them stay out here, instead of in the stables?"
--
"A number of reasons. We can give them better food in the stable than they can graze out here. The stables are protected from the weather, and warm; it's already getting kind of chilly at night this time of the year." Claude pulls Wyvern's bridle off of hi completely. "The stable's safer, too. I'm not expecting wolves or bears this near a decently traveled road, but you can't guarantee it. And there's always thieves, too - horses are valuable. It'd be harder for thieves to even know the horses are here in the stables, and to get them out without us realizing it if they did realize they were there." He slings the bridle over his shoulder and smiles at Dimitri. "They'll be fine out here for hours, but it's generally best not to leave them here overnight."
--
"That makes sense..." Dimitri isn't sure he could stand being in such spaces so much... but then, he has to remind himself, they aren't in those all the time, as evidenced by right now. Counting in how much Claude travels....
It takes much longer for Dimitri to pick his horse's bridle off, but he does manage, eventually. Stepping back to give him plenty of room, Dimitri looks out towards the field. "So we just wait now, then?"
--
"We can go back to the cabin and let them relax." Claude's already heading for the gate. "They don't need supervision or anything; I made sure they got familiar with each other on my journey back to the monastery with the big guy, so they're not going to bother each other. They'll be fine."
Indeed, Wyvern is already snorting and doing little running spurts around the field, seemingly enjoying his freedom; Dimitri's horse is watching this with interest.
--
Following with some hesitation, Dimitri constantly looks back to where he's left his horse, even pausing on the other side of the fence with his tail flicking restlessly. "...Then I hope they enjoy themselves." Right behind Claude again, Dimitri tries to recount things.
"There's nothing else, then, correct?"
--
Claude hangs Wyvern's bridle on the fence. "Just one more quick thing - there's a water trough in the field for them. We need to fill it with a couple buckets of water from the rain barrel. Then they're set."
--
Dimitri's ears perk up. "....Do you have multiple buckets?"
--
"Just the one, unfortunately." Claude chuckles. "We'll have to make two trips."
--
Aaaand down they lower again. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't hoping to.... show off? Is that even the right word? Certainly impress or, well. Something along those lines. Still. "If there's only one, then I can do it."
--
"If you want to," Claude agrees. "You're definitely stronger than me." He notes the movement of those ears, however. "What's wrong, though?"
--
There's a brief moment where Claude can clearly see Dimitri wondering to himself why he has to be so obvious, eye going a little wide before he glances aside in mild embarrassment. "It was nothing. I was.... merely hoping to look good in front of you."
--
Claude looks decidedly pleased by this. "Well, why can't you? I can come with you while you carry the water, if you want..."
--
"I don't think it will have quite the same effect.... And I would be making you walk with me for nothing." That he's still interested regardless is nice knowledge to have, however.
--
"Quite the same effect?" Claude cocks an eyebrow. "What were you planning on doing if we'd had two buckets, exactly?"
--
Dimitri's tail begins to twitch wildly. "It is nothing... vulgar. Just... It looks better... to show off strength, doesn't it?"
--
"Yeah, but how is this different than what you would've done otherwise?" Claude is deeply curious now.
-
"I- Nothing, I suppose, I would simply..." Well. It sure seems kind of silly when he says it out loud, and Dimitri clasps one hand in the other for lack of any idea of what he should be doing here. "...Thought I could offer to take it off your hands... and it would... You know." He flounders a little.
All he really wanted to do was look nice in front of Claude, and then life up two things some level of heavy for him. It's... not exactly the most mature way of flirting, but then again it's not like he even knows that. All Dimitri knows are cheesy but utterly sincere compliments, and some of Claude's kinks.
--
Claude grins, stepping close to Dimitri so that they're practically chest to chest. "Tell you what," he says, eyes full of that dangerously sly look that Dimitri is going to learn both to get excited for and dread at the same time. "How about I carry the bucket, and you carry me?"
--
When Claude steps so close, Dimitri's hands leave one another to instead light carefully along Claude's chest just on instinct- the more mild kind. "Oh," he says quietly, looking down into those glittering green eyes. "Now you are interested in being carried." Around their legs, his tail flicks around to curl near Claude's calf.
--
"I was never not interested," Claude replies, leaning up a little, further into Dimitri's space. If he has to be on tiptoes to do so, so be it. "But since we don't have enough buckets for you to flirt with me the way you hoped to, I thought I'd offer an alternative..."
--
"It seems that you'd much like to be carried right now." His claws scrape down along the front of Claude's light leather, following the curve of his body down to his waist.
--
"Mostly I just want to be shamelessly flirted with by you in just about any way you'd care to name, but I'd be lying if I said your carrying me specifically lacked appeal." Claude smirks. "What about you? Do you want to carry me?"
--
"I want to touch you always." Which is... certainly a way to put it. Still, if Claude is going to stay this close, Dimitri uses his other hand to slip around Claude's back. "...I believe we went to fetch the horses for a reason."
--
"We did," Claude murmurs. "But before we let us distract ourselves too much...let's get them the water." He reluctantly lets himself settle back on his heels. He'll feel like a heel himself if he gets wrapped up in Dimitri while the horses have nothing to drink for...however long they'll be preoccupied for. Probably awhile.
--
"So should I hold off on carrying you in case you get distracted more?" It's cute when Claude gets disappointed like this, and- with a few hesitant stutter-stops- Dimitri raises his hand to push some curls from Claude's face.
--
"Oh, no, we can still do that." Claude winks at him. "I'd just better get the water before we forget the whole point of the exercise, right?"
--
"If you're certain." Finally, he removes his hands from Claude's person, even as ever tempting as the other man is at any given time. "Then... where is the bucket actually stored? Near the rain barrel?"
--
"Yeah, c'mon." Claude begins walking in that direction immediately; he can feel his self-control eroding, can tell Dimitri's is dissolving as well, and he wants to get this last chore done with as soon as possible. Then...it doesn't matter what they do.
-
As soon as Claude is out of reach, Dimitri wants to pull him close again, and it takes some effort to simply follow after instead of doing that. This is actually the first time he's had to deal with the rain barrel himself personally. Watching the process helps to distract him, a little, but it's not particularly complicated.
What might be a bit moreso is.... "Are you sure you'll be able to keep that from spilling when I lift you?"
--
"I was thinking you'd pick me up first, then I can take the bucket." Claude's filling the bucket as he speaks. "You're right that it'd probably be hard to keep from spilling if I was holding it while you lifted me."
--
"....Am I going to dip you?" This is certainly an interesting image Dimitri is getting, although he suspects that it's not at all how things will happen truly.
--
Claude glances at Dimitri, blinking, and then laughs. "Not quite how I was picturing it in my head, no...more like you crouching down so I can grab it while I'm in your arms. Although if you can think of a logical way to pull your idea off..."
--
"No, no- yours makes more sense." He scratches lightly along the side of his jaw. "I feel as though I would drop you my way...."
--
Claude grins as he sets the bucket down on the ground, turning to face Dimitri. "You know, for someone who probably never considered anything remotely romantic for most of his life, you're taking to romance like a duck to water."
--
Having it called out for what it is when they've never really... addressed what is between them- really they've done everything but address it- makes Dimitri pause, fingers curled at his neck. "I.... would not say that. There is something that... I have neglected to do, for a true romance. A proper one." He nods his head down towards the bucket.
"....But that may be another distraction."
--
Claude glances at the bucket, then at Dimitri. "We're going to go water the horses," he says, after a pause. "But then, I absolutely expect to hear what you've neglected to do." He grins a little. "Maybe you can even make up for the neglect on your part."
--
Dimitri's stare goes directly to Claude. "I always want to make up for my neglect of you," he says, quiet and serious.
But afterwards, as Claude said, and he lowers both hands to his sides. "Are you ready, then?"
--
Claude almost says, on reflex - and in complete confusion - 'what neglect?', but he catches himself at the last second. That way lies distraction. He's never found it so hard to stay on task as right now, which makes it all the more imperative that they do so before they forget what they're supposed to be doing completely.
He steps closer to Dimitri. "More than ready," he says, with his most charming smile. Delayed gratification might be torture, but he won't suffer alone.
--
For a moment, Dimitri pauses as he surveys the two of them. Lifting a person isn't an entirely foreign idea to him, although often for extremely different reasons than this.... and with very different circumstances. Different ways as well. Still, he has an idea of how to do it, and so shifts his position.
One arm curls around Claude's back, bracing him as much as it is guiding his movements, and the other goes into place right at the bend of his knees. Despite anything else Dimitri might have doubts about, he knows about the physical, because his movements are smooth and decisive as he scoops Claude right into his arms and into a proper bridal carry.
--
Claude snakes an arm promptly around Dimitri's neck, smiling at him through the butterflies. "Exactly," he says. "Now just crouch down enough for me to grab the bucket."
--
"Tell me if it gets to be too uncomfortable..." None of this has to be done this way, after all. They're just... There's a brief flicker of a smile on Dimitri's face as he draws down into a crouch.
They're just being rather silly. It's funny. Nice.
--
They really are. This whole thing is ridiculous, and largely inconvenient, and Claude knows it. But it's fun, and flirty, and it's making them both happy, so as far as Claude's concerned, it's worth it.
Claude awkwardly manages to lift the bucket into his lap one-handed - not easy when it's heavy with water, but even as secure as he feels in Dimitri's hold, he's not sure he wouldn't overbalance himself or both of them if he didn't keep his other arm around Dimitri's neck.
"The fun part is that we get to do this twice," he says, with amusement.
--
"We don't have to do it twice," Dimitri reminds him as he carefully straightens up. "We technically did not need to do it once."
And yet they do. Twice. That's more than enough for the horse's trough in the field, with only some minor wobbling on either of their part. It's not the heaviest thing Dimitri has ever had to deal with, although a bucket of water really is a lot. When the second bucketful of water is deposited, he even seems to hold Claude all the closet as they return back to the cabin. "Have 'fun', then?"
--
Claude laughs. "I usually do. What about you?" He grins up at Dimitri. "Do you feel like you got to show off to me sufficiently?"
--
A few bits of tall grass get smacked about by Dimitri's flicking tail. "It wasn't the way I was planning, so I can't say.... But I like holding onto you like this." Just keeping him close, fingers curling against Claude's body. Pausing at the doorway, he lets Claude get the door knob. His hands are.... full.
--
Claude opens the door for them. "I like being held by you, come to that." He glances at Dimitri. "But don't think I'm not waiting to hear just what you've neglected with me, because I really can't think of much of anything."
--
Trust Claude to never forget a single thing said. Well... It was never as though Dimitri planned to avoid the conversation. All he does is close the door behind them with his foot, before he continues to cart Claude through the cabin... and to the bed. Not for any vulgar reasons, merely to carefully deposit Claude down onto the mattress.
"It's..." He glances down at the ground, finding the words before he looks up at Claude again. "What I did... was very backwards. Back when we first....." Nevermind, he doesn't have the words, and takes a second to continue. "When we touched."
--
Claude swings his legs off the bed as soon as Dimitri gently deposits him there, if only so he can face Dimitri where he's sitting. He listens to Dimitri - probably more closely than the other man was expecting, too, because Claude's intellect lets him leap ahead several steps in the conversation.
"Wait..." He looks somewhat surprised, somewhat amused, and thoroughly charmed. "Are you going to tell me that this is about you feeling guilty that we did sex things before you'd courted me properly?"
--
....Claude is far too smart, and Dimitri supposes he can only be thankful that this has meant they've skipped some awkward lead up steps in this conversation. That the conversation is still going to be awkward no matter what, at least on Dimitri's end, is something that can't be helped.
His ears lower again, tail going nervously still. "I.... Not courting necessarily, but.." He curls one hand over the other, which has formed an anxious fist. "...We never discussed such things. It only... happened."
--
"Well, that's not something you have to feel solely guilty for. As I recall, that was kind of a mutual enterprise, right? So if you wanted us to talk it over, then the failure's as much mine as yours that it didn't happen." Claude folds his hands behind his head, leaning back slightly as he looks up at Dimitri. "In any case, we can't go back and redo things...but there's no time like the present, right? What did you want to talk about?"
--
"You did leave for a week before immediately breaking me free, so I cannot say your priorities were misplaced." His priorities are mostly to thank for them being able to have this conversation, after all. Still, as he looks down at Claude, Dimitri can't help but reflect on everything that's changed so rapidly... in general. Between the two of them. Even individually.
Perhaps it's best to begin at the start. "When you first began to visit me... I attempted to chase you away, one night, by saying that us knowing one another would either end in my killing you if you were ever caught, or in you watching me die as is the fate of any executioner." His thumb traces the curve of his knuckle. "And I thought... both would be miserable endings, unbefitting of how much I had cared for you when I was younger. Of the kindness you'd shown me."
His head tilts to the side slightly. "Similar thoughts occurred to me after that act, when you were gone for so long and it was only myself again, alone with my thoughts. There was... no denying my feelings had changed considering how much we had interacted since then. I accepted you more in my life there, and wanted to so. I was... fonder." A slow exhale.
"Enough to wonder.... if that was good enough, what I had given you with that act. Not-" He tenses up a little bit. "Not the act itself. I... personally liked it very much."
Claude's hands are too good, and that's yet another sin to add to the list.
"But, rather... I know, in theory, that there didn't need to be anything more than that. However, I was left wondering if that was all I could give you.... not only from my own capabilities, but our circumstances as well. I was adjusting to the idea of little bits of pleasure, of happiness, amidst my own misery, thanks to your visits.... But it didn't feel right, to only offer that much, with what I felt were inevitable endings." Of either of their deaths weighing on the other.
"But now, the circumstances... have changed. Now, I can no longer rely on the bars of my cage as a reason, or an excuse. Among the many things I have had to wonder about.... One has been what I can give you, and what I should. I know you said that I shouldn't try to do too much, to think too much, and let things happen slowly, at their speed.... But I cannot help it. Especially when I look at you-" His hands separate, so that he can reach over to lightly touch Claude's cheek. "-and find myself wanting so much."
--
Claude studies Dimitri thoughtfully as the man speaks. Dimitri's formality of speech is one thing, although Claude is as good as anyone can be at cutting through the frills of the words to get to the meat of them; however, in this case he feels as if the obstacles to his understanding come from Dimitri padding his words with both restatements of the same ideas, and some ideas that really aren't that important.
"I think you might be complicating things too much, Dimitri," he says lightly. "Instead of wracking your brain thinking about what you're able to give me, or should give me...shouldn't you just worry about what it is you want to give me?" He leans into that gentle touch to his face. "And, for that matter, what you want from me in return. Because that's what I want to give you...and I don't want things from you that you don't want to give me. So I think what we want here is probably all that's really relevant."
--
"You're right.... I simply..." It's hard not to go off again, his nerves on edge, and he rubs the pad of his thumb along Claude's skin. "...I'm worried. Life suddenly feels... equal worry and joy. Is it foolish to be more worked up when it's like that?"
--
"Not really. There's more to be worked up about, for instance. And different things to get worked up about." Claude gazes at Dimitri. "But that was kind of a question, you know. One you didn't answer. What do you want from me? And what do you want to give me?"
--
"I.... " His thumb pauses, starting to curl into his hand again before he realizes his claw is sliding along Claude's cheek and he stops. "...That's what I'm worried about. Because what I want to give you.... I don't feel as though I should, yet. Yet I want... all of you." His chin tilts down, looking away. "That is selfish, isn't it?"
--
"What is it that you want to give me, exactly?" Claude asks, more patiently than he feels. He wants to know. "And why don't you feel you should give it to me?"
--
"I...." It's hard to say. He's dealt with broken bones, and those felt easier. Why? Dimitri can't bring himself to meet Claude's gaze, his heart in his throat, his mind- wanting to go elsewhere. Anywhere. He closes his eye, letting out a slow shuddering breath. Fighting the urge to run, both physically and mentally, takes him a moment. If not for Claude's presence, still felt at his fingertips, he feels he would have lost to it.
"...I want... to love you." He bows his head further, hair falling around his face. "But it's- I was forgetting my own language. There were words I could not remember until you returned and I heard them from your lips. What if this is something I have forgotten? That I am getting wrong, and mangling? And you.... You do not deserve that. You deserve... the best I can offer to you."
--
Claude turns his head to press a kiss to Dimitri's palm. The soft pads of his hand feel warm and texturally interesting beneath his lips. "First things first," he murmurs. "I think you've been loving me already. Practically everything you've done since we got here has been romantic, Dimitri. Even if trying to hold off on that had a point, I don't think you could. And since I've enjoyed every second of it, I don't know why you ought to feel guilty about it, either."
He glances at Dimitri sidelong, head still turned so that his lips are brushing Dimitri's hand with just about every word. "Also...there's no ultimate best anyone can do. My best today might not be as good as my best tomorrow, but it'll probably be better than my best yesterday. All anyone can ever do is their best at the time and the place where they are. None of us will ever reach perfection, so there's no point in growing old waiting to reach it before you let yourself live."
--
Feeling the way Claude moves his lips against his hands is the one anchor Dimitri has to anything, eye closed as it is, curled in on himself as he is. "But is that right?" he asks quietly, as though scared for the answer. "I want to make you happy, and I... I am work."
Dimitri doesn't laugh in the same way Claude laughs- laughter meant to hide, obscure, strained from the effort of it all. It's just a quiet and desolate little sound, short lived, understanding that he's made such an understatement that it's almost offensive and he doesn't know what other sound to make.
"I... just want to be certain, when I give you that declaration. I want to be... confident, I suppose. It means too much to be half hearted. It doesn't have to be perfection in order to be that, does it...?" Slowly, he opens his eye and dares to look up just barely at Claude. "It maybe merely be me overthinking things again..."
--
"Dimitri, you've never done anything half-hearted in all your life." Claude looks up at him with fond amusement. "And you're worth whatever effort or difficulties come with you, because I love you."
He, at least, has confidence saying that. Not necessarily confidence that it's enough, or worthy, or whatever it is Dimitri is panicking over; just confidence in what he feels.
"Trust me, there's no one who's so perfect that they don't come with some work required. Things have just been a little stilted between us because of the circumstances. I've got my own flaws and insufficiencies, but either you haven't seen them or they're barely noticeable next to those of the other people you've known. But eventually, when you get more used to living a free life and meet more people, you'll see the bad parts of me - and I hope you'll still love me anyway. That the good and the bad are a package deal you still want to take. That's what love is. If you love mountain-climbing, you don't just love reaching the top or the view at the peak - you even love the struggles and challenges of getting there. Otherwise, why would you do it?"
--
Hearing those words from Claude is... Dimitri wonders if this is how Claude feels, that swelling feeling in his chest as though something will break and leak out through the gaps in his ribs, his chest. He pushes forward closer without thinking, pressing his face down against Claude's neck.
"I've never gone mountain climbing, so..." It's a joke. Well, an attempt at one; Dimitri's voice sounds weak even to his ears when he finally gets it to work. Three words have undone him so completely.... Three words that he hasn't heard in so long, that he didn't realize would make him ache so much. He experiences so much when he's around Claude... How can he pinpoint exactly what love is, amongst all those different emotions? (That the answer is that they all compose it is one he hasn't learned, not just yet.) "...But some of your flaws, I think I know. You've told me some of them... haven't you?"
--
"I have, yeah." Claude chuckles. "And I think I've demonstrated some of them to you, too. But I don't think they bother you now as much as they might bother you later on, when you're more accustomed to things being good for you. Like I said, how can my bad qualities even register compared to the shit you've been used to?" He lifts a hand to stroke fingers through Dimitri's hair.
"If you don't want to say it yet, for whatever reason, you don't have to." Claude turns his head to press a kiss to Dimitri's temple. "It's not like you're leaving me in any doubt of how much you care about me without those specific words. No one's ever cared about me as deeply or as obviously as you do."
--
"I want to say it. I think I.... scare myself away from it." He turns his head to the side, nose nuzzling against Claude's neck. "Because I want to make it... good. I haven't made many good things, or done good things."
--
"Not for lack of wanting to so much as lack of opportunity, right?" Claude murmurs, tilting his head a little to give Dimitri more neck to nuzzle. "But I promise you, there's no way telling me that you love me could ever be not amazing."
--
"That makes it sound as though I am not trying..." His nose and mouth continue along Claude's skin, lips brushing at his jaw. Without thinking about it, Dimitri is learning forward all the more against Claude's body. "And I want to try very much."
--
"You didn't have any say in your lack of opportunity, so how could it be because you didn't try?" Claude's arms slide around Dimitri. "But nothing's stopping you from doing anything anymore."
--
"Only myself." Before he knows it, the bed is sinking beneath their combined weight once again, and Dimitri pushes himself up just enough to look down to Claude. He still, as always, looks so amazing. "I want to try more.... Even if there is no doubt between us. Allow me... to make my declaration to you properly?" He leans down once more, his hair framing both their faces as he presses their foreheads togheter.
--
Those sharp ears of Dimitri's will probably hear the way Claude's breath catches. His eyes are locked on Dimitri's face - either searching it for something or memorizing what he already sees there, it's hard to tell. "Not that you need to ask my permission," he murmurs, "but you've got it."
--
The fear is still pounding in his chest, chains and shackles all leading back miles and miles to the church, to his cage. What if he's not doing it right? What if he's gotten it all wrong? What if he can't love properly, shouldn't love properly? He feels as though he might suffocate from it all, as though whips are wound tight around his throat again to try and drag him back.
But Claude.... is right here still.
Here, looking up at him with those brilliant green eyes that search out whatever he wants. Here, holding onto him tighter than the chains that kept him. Here, having already said so much....
Dimitri closes his eye for a brief moment before forcing it open again; this is too important for him to hide from no matter how it would make him feel better. Here, like this, he's reminded of exactly why he's come to feel this way for Claude, and that's enough to help push the words out from where they've been lodged in his chest.
"I love you."
Just like that, it feels as though something breaks, and he needs to go forward, lips lighting softly against Claude's own. "I love you," he breathes again, feeling as though he's taken that first step outside again and his body wants to just- go, to keep moving, keep running, only this time it's not without a destination.
He wants to go to Claude.